once a dog always a tiger

um... i was just wondering how come tiger woods hasn't claimed he is a sex addict yet....

isn't that what famous people do when they get caught with their sexy time indiscretions?

i believe the "tweet" would go something like this...

i am  so very sorry for my personal indiscretions that have been brought to light.  i realise how disappointed my family and fans are in me.  you can not be as disappointed in me as i am.  not as an excuse, but i have now realized i am a sex addict and am going to get help for my issues.  hopefully you can be proud of me in the future once i have this addiction taken care of.

i feel like he can't say he is addicted to drugs or alcohol cuz that is way way worse in the sport area....so... its gonna have to be sex addiction.

well... anyways... i'm sayin... it mite be on the horizon...

ok i'm gonna go read while pretending to watch max and ruby with zoe.

have a very merry christmas!

done.

have a cookie

at what price?!?

um... so i saw a commercial for walmart... saying that they will match the sale prices of other stores...
and... uh... why wouldn't you just go to the other store?
i guess i always see/hear this deal on commercials... from several different stores....but... honestly..its ridiculous... i mean...unless you are super loyal to walmart but still want things the cheapest they come... but who the hell is loyal to only walmart...
when you have so many choices all within five miles...plus would you have to like bring proof that it was that certain price... and wouldn't you have to go to like the help desk... or at the very least wait for the cash register person to call in a manager to verify the price...just sounds like a hassle to me....and really... it all just sounds stupid.
like... i dont think it is even a lil bit sane to go from store to store to make sure you save an extra $0.17.
for reals... go online look around a bit... and go to the closest cheapest store. dont get me wrong my parents are dutch... i do get that thrill of saving money...but come'on...

plus the real fact of the matter is walmart smells like pee...pee and poor people.

done.
fundraiser pizza subs= delicious indigestion.

goodbye kitty

so i dont usually watch the show hoarders... because its revolting... and i just cannot feel sympathy for the people featured on the show...

oh i should prolly tell you what the show is... just in case you don't know the show...
its on a&e...it basically tells the story of people who hoard crap. and it has professional cleaners and organizers help them back to civilization...its a struggle....and it usually ends with relapse into filth or divorce.

ok... so anyways....
there was an old lady...(prolly the age of your grandmother... she looked like...89...but is prolly 75....she was plump and...frumpy....her name is shirley...duh...
and......................................she had cats.
ok... this is an understatement... they had to send in like animal search and rescue...
she had over 75 cats in her house... more than 30 of them were dead... some were just bones. she actually claims that she feeds and takes care of 25 stray cats....because no one else will... in reality:
cats have taken over her home... they live inside of mattresses and other furniture... the entire house is covered in feces and hair... there are dead cats all over the place... everything is covered in grime.... everything is broken and filthy...covered in rotting food... and cats, which are disgusting anyways...
10 of her cats had to immediately be put to sleep because they had a incurable respiratory disease...all of the alive cats were immediately removed by authorities... she was gonna maybe face animal cruelty charges... i couldn't watch the rest to find out if she did...
DISGUSTING...REVOLTING...

i saw this one episode where this young guy... like in his 20s said he couldn't throw away his dog's shed hair because he thinks it will speed up his dogs life...and make it die faster...
insanity.

seriously there are some crazy people out there... and some collect dead animals.
yuck... thinking about this makes me wanna clean... so i am gonna go give the girls a bath and clean the apt.

done.
zoe had a marker in her room this morning... nuff said.

stick it in your mouth...

ok... i do not believe that i have delved into this subject yet... but if i have... disregard it as nite grumblings.

i cannot stand women smoking... i think it is extremely revolting.
it is a complete sexist double standard... but i really dont mind men doing it... as long as the smoke isn't directly in my face... i could care less....

***in saying this i really hate when my husband smokes or chews (which is another subject all together) but i dont like my possessions smelling like smoke...including my husband and my bed....its not like i'm gonna stop him... seeing as i really dont think its a spouses place to boss the other spouse around... but... i frown upon it in general.

ok... i got off track....
i think it is completely disgusting for ladies to smoke. i think its gross....i dunno when i started to really think this...i used to smoke from time to time....i dunno but my opinions on ladies is strengthening since i have birthed two ladies out my woman area. i think ladies should be ladies... i love telling zoe to be a lady...
these are characteristics i believe ladies should possess:

1. charm/grace in public.
2. smell nice.
3. dont be a horrible nag
4. class.
5. be a good companion.
6. listen.
7. be polite.

i actually have more... but i will give just those to start with. no need to make it too complicated.
and now... cuz i have an hour before my the car/train rug i am bidding on ebay for is over i will go more into detail....and cuz... its my blog... i can do what i want...

(1) charm/grace: i cannot stand when women get all worked up in public... calm yourself down for crying out loud....ok... dont get me wrong... i dont mind a lil sass when the situation calls for it....but sass isn't in broad daylight in a store...or restaurant...sass is when you are with friends joking around and being an awesome broad.....dont be a complete bitch aka ghetto shrew...

(2) smell nice: uh......(how hard is it to smell nice?) **note smell nice does not mean smelling like potpourri or old lady perfume...lots of times women think they smell nice... but... ew...i think a light scent either fruity, citrusy...something clean... is acceptable. old ladies and fattys clean out your crevices...

(3) dont nag: seriously...have you ever heard a partner who doesn't want to be with their significant other that doesn't mention how much they nag...think about it.... if you nag constantly you will never ever get what you want... unless you want to be alone....ask nicely...if things are not happening... ask again. do not whine... do not be insufferable... just kindly ask.

(4) class: if you dont know what this is... you are prolly a dirty pirate hooker...wear panties if you are wearing something short or sheer...dont sleep with randoms (collections of randoms=collections of rashes/ointments) and for heavens sake... do not flirt incessantly with anyone....especially someone else's special person...i am a huge fan of flirting... but... dont be a dick tease... its ridiculous... no one except people with stds want someone that easy.

(5) be a good companion: be someone that people want around... but...be able to go to the bathroom alone...dont be clingy...be a good listener...and kind....be a good friend

(6) listen: seriously if you listen and pay attention you will find out a lot more than when you are a complete gossip whore...if you actually contemplate what the other person is saying to you...you will know the right response and you will also be a better person, more knowledgeable...and no one likes an attention whore.

(7) be polite: please, thank you, excuse me,...invaluable my friend....they will help you get whatever you need.

ok... and if you are all these things... you wont smoke because its not ladylike. i do not think ladies look cute or sexy smoking... and... if you dont look either... than why in the world would you do it? yeah yeah the buzz... the nicotine... eh... if you needed it then everyone would do it because its healthy....

the double standard of it all...i like men with a lil grit...out of that whole list... i really just want my men to smell nice... lol... i would forgive most of the other faults...granted... i like a man to be a gentleman... but...i think men should be men... ladies should be ladies... and yes... i do include people who like the same sex...if you like ladies... don't you want a lady who is a lady...and men...you like men because they are men....
i may be taking women backwards with my opinions but i dont care...i am not saying women and men aren't equally human beings... i am just saying i like women to be ladies...and men to be...the people who have penis's....

honestly who knows if i even know anything about anything... but...following my standards won't make you suck....

done.
edamame yum.

sappy mama (loving the girls since they are napping)

if i didn't have my girls....
I WOULD:
wear earrings.
have a clean apt.
have tons of shoes and clothes.
be skinny.
have perky boobies.
have money.
eat at nice restaurants.
go see movies.
have time for reading.
have more time for crafts.
be able to leave projects out.
have a small purse.
have a job.
I WOULD NOT HAVE:
bibs, wipes, plastic silverwear, diapers, toys in my purse and car.
cheerios and goldfish mashed up all over my car seats and car rugs.
kids furniture and toys everywhere.
kids books half eaten and ripped on every shelf.
circles under my eyes.


mainly tho....
i would have something missing
i would not have the meaning to my life.

done.
yawn.

i dont have time for this nonsense.

i have never had patience. ever. i dont want to wait for something that i could just go get now. if i want something bad enough i will just get it... which i realise makes me horrible to shop for.
i work fast....i drive fast....i paint fast...i crochet fast...i read incredibly fast.... if i like a show i want to watch every episode in a row rite now so i can see how the season ends. when the new harry potter books came out i would sit and read the whole book in one day cuz... i needed to...
when i sit i am one of those people who bounce their legs... i just wish i typed faster.... so that i could just get what i am thinking onto the screen as fast as i talk.
i get these idea's of outfits in my head that i want to wear... but then.... i dont own like... two pieces of the outfit....which makes me annoyed... and i just want to go to the store and buy them.... then if i get the chance to run to the store... usually the store doesn't have what i want... and it just adds to my impatience/annoyance.
if i know how to do something and have to watch someone else do it slower and not perfectly... i get super frustrated.
yes... my impatience is coupled with perfectionism....i want it done now... but also impeccably...
i would love to have a sleeve of tattoos... i realize that this take a few sittings and that drives me nuts cuz i would be perfectly fine sitting there for twelve hours if it meant that it would be all done at once. lol....
yeah... so get this for neurotic....
my impatience... and perfectionism... also comes with the need to please people....
so... if there is two people in line in front of me.... and i really just want them to hurry up.... when the person turns and mouths , "sorry" i say..."oh no big deal... seriously i'm in no hurry" but inside i am jumping outta my skin with annoyance.
this mite also be a part of the reason i hate pregnancy but dont mind giving birth... because when you are giving birth you are doing something that will make your baby come like... pretty soon... and when you are pregnant... you have to wait... and get fat... and you can't see your baby....(ultrasounds are ok... but.... my babies dont look like the blobby pictures on that computor screen...i dunno bout yours)
ok... also... i have a hard time making decisions.... which seems like it would make everything worse... which it does.... i dont wanna make the wrong decision that makes someone else unhappy... yet.... i want to hurry up and decide... so... i get super flustered when put on the spot. i do not do spur of the moment with grace....
i just... yeah... i know that all of this makes me seem like a super difficult person to deal with....
yeah... i'm pretty sure i have made other people secretly hate me...yes i said secretly... cuz not only am i all of these contradicting horrible things... i also... have close friends that people respect/are slightly intimidated by that make it so that it would be awfully hard to hate me out in the open.
yup. good luck. you mite think i'm a raging bitch... but you will prolly have to keep it to yourself.
HA! i win....which is something i'm completely happy with... as long as its quick and neat.

done.
got too much to do to be on this computor!

hate

can't decide who i hate more miley cyrus, or michael moore.

when i figure it out i'll write a blog about it.

done.
benadryl is my drug of choice

give till it hurts

i hate the book the giving tree.
hate.
the girls own it... along with a few other great shel silverstein books (from foo)....its still a lil too grown up for them to read... but one day zoe wanted to read it.... i had never read it before so i was slightly interested... specially since all her other books i have almost memorized from reading the over and over and over....
i hated it. i do not care at all if the girls ruin it like they do to about 25%of their books because they are destroyers.
ok... the book is about this super generous tree that gives everything it is for this boy...apples...branches...stump...
the boy 'needs' these things as he grows up...
i totally understand that the story is about being generous like the tree.... but... uh... what about the boy? this stupid kid that takes advantage of the tree...
for one thing... since the boy is... a human... why wouldn't you relate to him....since the tree...is a tree.
ahhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrggggggggggg....
ok... so i feel like i am not even articulating how much i hate this book.
the book just made me depressed.
i saw a short on robot chicken about this book... and it was like the boy getting older and taking the tree's branches and then coming back to cut it down... and then the tree sent him over to the tree across the way saying it was another giving tree(his cousin).... and then jokes on the guy... cuz it was a raping tree instead.
yeah... its a lame book... and i dont think kids should read it....i think it even bothers me more cuz i love shel's books and it bugs me that he made a horrid one.
ok...now another sidenote...
there is this super annoying show called... um...fresh beats band or something like that... and its these four 'kids'/people my age who sing and dance and act a fool. well i wondered if one of the girls was a daughter of a different actress... so i googled it... well... just so happens there are a bunch of moms who are like.. irate over this show... like... stuff about the people being to good looking and thin and talented and not diverse enough... so its not realistic...blah blah... bad influence... blah blah...
good grief.. GET OVER YOURSELF! its a totally lame show... but kids friggin love it... and if there was a show of ugly fat untalented people i would never let my kids watch it. and... i feel like the moms who get the most worked up about lack of diversity are white suburban moms... again... i say GET OVER YOURSELF! there is a brown haired girl who mite be something other than white... she is one of those iffy people who are prolly just white... and a black guy... a red headed girl and a tall white douche who raps and beatboxes... which should be the only reason to boycott this show.
ok last sidenote: i am completely bummed that zoe likes dora the explorer now... but at least she thinks the show is called "boots" and she thinks that dora is mimi(my sister marissa).
ok... this has just rambled on and has become even more loopy....like a horrible sermon....

done.
piper has a new hair-do

carrots=good for eyes, carrot top=avert your eyes

uh... carrot top is so scary looking. he used to be just kinda a weird gangly ginger... but... now he is a truely frightning freckly beast. seriously... creepy.
like he is all muscley now and i think tan-ish... mostly just more freckles.... i dunno... i saw him on a commercial and i kinda wanted to scream out loud.
i think he was trying to make himself good looking...he should shave his head... and wear a shirt with sleeves...and if that doesn't work... put a bag over his face.
i'm not sayin i'm some kind of beautiful maiden... but...if i looked like that i would like at least one person to take me aside and say... "come on...seriously...its nearing paper bag time"
well... yeah...

done.

orange is a nice color...except when its the color of someone's skin.

good luck not having a seizure after reading this randomness...

so... i just told my husband that i hated fruit loops... and he wants a divorce now...i hate the saying 'husband' anyways... so it may work out for the best... and... i have no segue-way into the rest of the blog...i started this beginning like a month ago...and am writing the rest today... so...yeah....

ok... this blog is gonna sound very perez hilton... so... bitch please...dont hate... and please dont get me confused as a fat gay man and start throwing dildos and girdles at me.
and... yes i am gonna mention i haven't written in a bajillion days... but... i have a life... go get one for yourself. wow i'm sassy today....

so... the whole shiz that went down with kanye and taylor blah blah.... i need to say some things... because... i just need to.
firstly, kanye is a complete dick... not in the purest sense of the word...he isn't like a walking penis....but in the fact that he is a horrible excuse for a human, he is racist, and an idiot.
secondly, that taylor swift video is horrid. it is a mix of 'she's all that' and that cinderella movie with hillary duff in it. it is the dumbest thing ever... well not as dumb as kanye...but pretty dumb.
thirdly, beyonce's video is not "the best video ever" either... its fierce... i'll give you that... its great for 'grinding on boners' but... not something to ruin your career over(kanye that statement was for you)
i mean... come'on people...

i watched like five minutes of the vma's... and in that time... michael jackson was practically granted sainthood...celebrities had pretty much taken all the credit for obama being president, the whole green movement... and really frankly i am surprised the sun and moon move in the sky without p.diddy's say so....
i am admitting this now : i have helped in the downfall of people thinking that celebrities are fascinating and god-like....i used to have a subscription of star mag... and i watch e!.... but... i cannot ever watch another awards show.... i have come up with at least two things celebrities must do before they should continue giving themselves awards:

1. live modestly and give at least a third of thier money to others....via charities and contributions to the military, hospitals, and schools...(and me)
2. realize that just because you are famous doesn't mean you are intelligent or knowledgeable about anything...you do not know more about science or art because you sing on a stage wiggling your buns around.

i'm not saying that if i was rich and famous that i would be any better... but...as a regular person i am obligated to shoot my mouth off and pretend i'm better than them.

btw...it mite just be me... but i used to looooove jon and kate plus 8... mostly cuz of the cutie china-babies....but now i can't even look at the show for more than a second....if jon is at fashion week in new york... and kate is on the view...who the heck is watching thier kids? at least you guys haven't let your accidental celebrity go to your heads...seriously...you two deserve eachother... and the kids deserve good parents...you should have quit the show three years ago and worked on your family.

um..........oh... a random statement (this whole blog is very dis-jointed) i hate alec baldwin....i just do... i think he is a wiener... i once saw cameron diaz on some show say that he may be the 'greatest actor of all time' and it made me think she is a wiener as well.

ok... i gotta go paint my nails...because the girls are napping and my nails are very un-pink and sparkly....

done.
i learned how to make meatballs yesterday.

my cup of tea

just wanna talk about two huge loves of my life....

no not my kids....

closed captioning/subtitles
and epilogues (in books and movies)

ok... yes... i realise i am not hearing impaired...
but... for some reason i like having subtitles and cc at the bottom of the screen....yes it drives my husband and my sister crazy....because it is unnecessary and annoying.
the thing is... i have no solid reason of why i like this....i still have the sound loud enough for me to hear.... i feel like this is a crazy lil old person quirk... that i just happen to have at age 25....well... i have prolly had it since i was 22 or so... there is really not much to say about this.

next.... epilogues...
i love them. i super love them after movies... well as long as they are positive...or funny...or made up... i like the made up ones.
i mean... a movie followed by a blacked out screen but then in white writing:
bob and dick fell madly in love and they started an alpaca farm that is quite successful to this day.
or...
the princess and her unicorn eventually left the prince. they live in a lovely townhouse overlooking a pond....the prince decided to marry the witch...she found a great wart remover and is actually quite fetching for a green skinned person....also she knows how to magically enlarge things...so everyone did in fact live happily ever after.
ok... and after tv shows they are great as well... cept there are a few i did not like that i can remember that aren't positive at all...but true... so it makes it worse.
examples:
"jon and kate gosslin started divorced nonsense on june something and blah blah"-i paraphrased
me and my sister watched this like hour long special on this kid novembre... yes it was years ago but i still remember his name... he had like this huge tumor on his face and like the drs found a way to fix it... kinda... i mean he still looked odd... but not as scary odd... and he was like getting around and playing with the kids that had shunned him before.... and then at the end
"novembre died a year after shooting this"
uh................................................lame. needless to say me and my sister were outraged.
(*sidenote* thinkin of this... did anyone ever see the special called, "the boy who's skin fell off"? i watched it... and i kinda wished i hadn't ....if you are not sure if you did... he had a casket made for himself that had a can of baked beans on it... hm... did ya see it?)
anywayssss....
now that you think about it ya kinda are a fan of epilogues as well...huh....kinda why lots of people like facebook/myspace...so you can see the epilogue of peoples lives after highschool.
i enjoy epilogues in books but am not as excited about them...so...yeah...

**slight pause cuz i have to clean up the mashed and chewed up "tuky meatand cheees" sandwich that zoe has smeared on my arm and leg...you can take this time to think about how much you like icecream cake....

ok... well now... i dont think i have much to say... i think i'm gonna be...
done.

happy 2nd of july

epilogue to this blog:
shortly after typing this up... beki found a skirt to wear instead of pajamer pants and gathered up her girls and went to meijers to buy food for our camping adventure... on the camping adventure her fam had more fun than your family...and looked better as well...also bob and dick bought an alpaca farm.

charlie sheen is the root of all evil.

just on the news... they did a segment on how the president killed a fly during an interview. on cnn. (yes i made a sentence of 'on cnn' because it is intolerable that a news station dignified itself with this garbage)

this is a perfect example of why other countries hate us.
how idiotic... self indulgent...silly...and superficial....
there are other things going on in the world. IMPORTANT THINGS. i dont care if the president took a shit on a fly during an interview. i want to know what he is doing to better the country. if the news is trying to tell me that he is ridding the world of annoying bugs... then i may be slightly interested. but only slightly....because it has nothing to do with anything of value.

things that should be on the news: epidemics, floods, fires, mass murderers, world events, wars, things that involve more than a hundred people...
basically you get the idea. things that are actually news. pretty self explanatory...you would think.

since 'journalists' dont seem to have a clue what news is. i will explain what is NOT news... and what they have been getting americans to think is news.

for starters: news is not about one man and a bug. he is the president... granted... but... he isn't a god... he is an elected official... who is there to finish the executive part of legislature... he isn't even who runs this country....its a democracy... WE THE PEOPLE.... less we forget.
ok... now... also... another thing involving the president that isn't news: the president's family getting a pet. RIDICULOUS. these things should be saved for youtube or... anything on the 'e' channel.
anything starting with 'speidi' or spencer and heidi... isn't the news.... or really any other mentally degenerate couple. ie: bennifer, brangelina, lindsay lohan and her crabs.... unless they go on a killing spree, or die... oh please let them die... they shouldn't be on the news.

i mean...really shouldnt we be embarrased of our news channels?...
i mean americans should already be ashamed that someone let a walking cesspool named 'new york' be on our television....

if i wanna watch innane ridiculous stories about accidental celebs... i turn on 'e' or 'bravo' or 'vh1'
i do not turn on cnn... ok... to be honest... i dont turn on cnn anyways... paul does... but... thats besides the point.

stuff like this fly story make people say, 'huh...slow news day...' but the fact of the matter is...
IT SHOULD NEVER BE A SLOW NEWS DAY. there is always something of importance going on. ex) the war! we have americans in another country fighting for us... and they will maybe mention a tiny blurb about this at the end... like... sargent someone's mom says happy b-day....yet they spend 15 minutes blabbing about how the president has ninja like bug killing skills.... and then something about peta's reaction.
(let me pause to let loose on another tangent... PETA GET OVER YOURSELVES. animals are food. yes torturing animals is wrong. but... they are food...so... get over it.)
people are losing thier jobs, civil liberties are being infringed upon, inflation is growing and paris hilton is looking for a new bff damnit....

ugh... i cannot even complete a thought about this whole topic cuz i start getting annoyed with closely related topics and i get carried away into randomness.

ok. what i have to say is.
the news is a joke, swine flu= overrated(possibly a cover for something else...i smell a conspiracy) and... yes... here is the biggest point...WE AS AMERICANS SHOULD BE KEEPING OUR NEWS RESOURCES ACCOUNTABLE FOR KEEPING US INFORMED ON IMPORTANT THINGS, NOT THINGS TO MAKE READERS/VEIWERS HOOKED.... HAPPENINGS THAT ARE IMPORTANT FOR HUMAN BEINGS AND OUR RIGHTS AS AMERICAN CITIZENS, WE OWE IT TO OURSELVES AND OUR CHILDREN TO WISE UP...AND FOR HEAVENS SAKES... TAKE 'TWO AND A HALF MEN' AND ANYTHING STARRING CHARLIE SHEEN OFF THE TELEVISON.

done. where did the rest of my gin and tonic go?

i told you so. (random tidbits)

* in any television show featuring talking animals there is always a dog that doesn't talk...
* every kids show has an episode about hiccups...
* people somehow think it is ok to go up to you and touch your kids and talk to them and tell you they are cute....but no one thinks its ok to just go up to adult strangers and start touching them if you think they are cute.
* there is always someone at any event that will talk too close to your face...usually with coffee breath.
* without fail if you are out at a restaurant with a bunch of people who have been servers... you will have a crappy or sub par server....if you on a very rare occasion have a great server it may never happen again.
* if you are really trying to be careful about not spilling...you will find a stain on your clothes that you don't know how it got there.
* if you are unshowered, have sweatpants on, and or just look worse than you have ever looked...you will see someone you know.
* any time after you break up with someone you want to have a better life than your ex... no matter what... even if you broke up on good terms...you want to have a hotter new gf or bf.. you wanna have a better job, better house, you wanna get married and have kids first and if you do... you win... the wierd old relationship contest...also... something that helps you win is if your ex gets fat, ugly, or poor...a combo of all three is preferred
* fat girls love being pregnant cuz now they have an excuse for stuffing thier fat bellies
* most comedies where a man works his way into being a better person, he mistakes a fat girl as a pregnant girl...and/or he mistakes a old lady for a man
* most moms/grandmas can make a casserole outta anything by using a can of cream of mushroom soup
* no potluck is complete without: meatballs and cheesy potatoes...(some familys may substitute cocktail weenies in bbq sauce and potato salad)
* with same sex twins there is always an ugly one/fat one. no matter what...one will at some time be referred to as 'the ugly one' or 'the fat one'
* coming outta the closet has become such a production...thats dumb. you're gay or straight... who cares. ok so people care... but they really shouldn't...it shouldn't matter to anyone but the person they are trying to have sex with.
* there are too many cherry flavored suckers in a bag of suckers...this is my personal opinion... all the rest of these things are facts....
* all asian candy is peach flavored.
* saying 'in bed' after your fortune from your fortune cookie... is just tacky and obnoxious.
* men should maintain their eyebrows, ear hair, nosehair and nether region hair... but should never ever talk about it.
* pepsi is better than coke... unless it is coke from mcdonalds... their coke is unbelievable...
* there is no reason your underpants should show while wearing pants. (i am including pantylines)
* where the hell do those ghetto boys get those huge white t-shirts? seriously they are sooo huge! i personally think they wear them that big because during interrogations (on t.v....like the first 48) they put thier arms inside of thier shirts.(this drives me nuts and i dunno why)
* other people's kids are ugly and annoying. (besides the ones that i think are cute) but seriously... most people's kids... eh...

done. stop biting your nails.

scam... or... best invention ever ever?

i love infomercials and home shopping network. love them. i get sucked in and if i dont realise it i can watch them for like an hour....

now for a personal side note:

i just purchased... 'strap perfect' because i felt like i needed them in my life. they are these lil plastic things for brassiere straps. i didn't get them from tv. i got them from target....but i have been coveting them off the televison for quite some time now. i am not disappointed.... they do in fact do what the commercial promised that they would do.

ok. now... to tell of all the things off infomercials and hsn that i want/need/prolly will never ever buy cuz i dont really need it(specific names are not...uh....specific)

1. debbie something green bags... my produce wishes that i owned these.
2. ultra smooth hair remover things... uh... i'm not a super hairy person but still they seem kinda neat... also i am kinda scared of these cuz i imagine it to be just sandpaper...
3. point and paint...i feel like this looks extreemly easy and wonderful... i have nothing that needs painting...but i feel that i could find something just so i could use this...
4. oh my goodness i just thought about that one ladder that used to always be on tv. like that you could use on the stairs and stuff and it was just amazing. i could use one or two of these for all my ladder needs...which are... uh... many....(seriously since i was like in my early teens i have been drawn to this ladder...i am not kidding)
5. oooohhhh that one drill thing that helps you take out rusty screws and things...fascinating....
6. that stuff that fixes scratches in your glasses....i clearly don't wear glasses...but...
7. that mineral makeup that seems to miraculously make you look amazing...it disturbs me how that one fat chick keeps piling on more and more of the makeup...but... i gotta say... her face doesn't look half bad when she's done...
8. the jack something juicer....i mean...he puts a whole friggin apple in there...and like veggies and some how it tastes good and just leaves like a tsp of pencil shavings after its done... it just is too incredible...
9. the food dehydrator.... uh... dried fruit? delicious! any veggie in a chip form...delicious and nutritous!
10. i saw this like full length mirror that you can open up and its a jewelry box....why is this not in my life???

ok... i think thats enough of my 'wants' for now...

here are some things that i think no one should ever buy:

1. a snuggie: go to your closet...find your robe... and put it on backwards....really are blankets that hard to handle? if they are hard for you to use then you are stupid.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h05ZQ7WHw8Y
2. bendaroos: wax covered wires for your kid to play with?!?! seriously?!?!
3. i saw a house that had one of those upsidedown planters hanging from thier porch....(its on kalamazoo between 52nd and 60th if you wanna take a look) it looks super ridiculous. if you really think this is something you need hang it in your backyard. it isn't cute.
4. those water globe things for plants: if you can't water your plants buy plastic ones. those globes are about as decoratively beautiful as those gazing balls people put in thier front yards.... seriously why do people like those? cuz they look like a bowling ball in a bird bath.

here is another funny you tube thing...(slap chop...modified)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brKBB7Y6jdQ


ok.. i dont feel like typing anymore.

done. go fly a kite.

mail order bride

uh... seriously i challenge you to tell me something that can compare to getting things in the mail. i just got two shirts in the mail today... and i am super duper excited. like... obviously i ordered them, paid for them, and all that rigamarole... but... then... the waiting for it to arrive and finally opening up the package... BEST THING EVER!
birthday cards, invites, magazines, yay!!!!

i wish there was like... a 'as awesome as unicorns' mail box and a 'bad news bears' mail box.

'as awesome as unicorns' mailbox can contain: any kind of check or payment that makes you richer, fun things you ordered, trinkets, letters, magazines, naughty magazines(**wink wink**), invitations (my husband would put the invitations to weddings in the other mail box) and some cards....

'bad news bears' box can contain: bills, lame coupons for art van, letter bombs, mean notes from the library saying you forgot to return a book, any card containing confetti=ugh...seriously?!?!?!, and bills(yes i am mentioning this twice),

i wish that everytime you went to a store they would just mail whatever you bought and it would be at your home by the time you get there. yep... that would be ideal....cuz really who wants to carry around bags at the mall.... super lame. (one reason to have kids...other than the love blah blah blah... is...strollers carry all your dumb bags.)

and just consider the mail order bride... how neat would that be to like... pick out the russian woman that you want... send your money(do they take paypal?) and then... you wait.... and... hooray! a woman who is forced to cherish you cuz you bought her and gave her a forest green taurus to drive....i mean just the anticipation alone of seeing the mail man carry her up to your door cuz she doesn't fit in the mail box (calm down banana brains i know thats not how it works)

ok, so i like email and all that... but... the excitement is just not there....its just all kinda anticlimatic...real mail mail(i refuse to call it snail mail because i am not middle aged)... anyways... real mail mail is just where its at. its fun and exciting, and frequently it is surprising...
specially when its letter bombs.

done. clean your ears.

lets shower together...shall we?

ugh...

baby showers and bridal showers... aka... the worst thing ever.

seriously... ew. a bunch of random women bunched together on fold out chairs oo-ing and ah-ing over lame gifts.

i have to throw a baby shower for my sister this fall... and i have decided on a halloween theme...
absolutely no games. but plenty of food and food.
i think the games are the worst part... cuz frankly i do not think they are a lil bit fun or funny.

ie:
baby showers:
everyone having a baby pin and if they say the word 'baby' they have to give it to the person that caught them saying it... whoever has the most pins wins...
or... diapers filled with mushed up candy bars... you have to guess what candy bar it is...(you would think that i would like this cuz its supposed to be funny involving poop like situations... but... mostly i think it is an egregious waste of candy...)
or...name that baby food...(lame)
or...guess how big around the mom is...(ugh... just another delightful way to remind the mom she is a fat slob)
bridal showers:
bridal bingo...i dont even feel like explaining this
guess that household item wrapped in paper...
make a veil outta toilet paper...(the aunts and grandmas just pee thier mom jeans over this game...they love it)
questions that the fiance answered and now the bride has to see if she gets the same answers...slightly interesting... when it was called the newlywed game!
ugh.

wanna know whats really going on during a shower...well i'm gonna tell ya...
bridal showers: the bride just really wants everything on her registry... and she is slightly annoyed any time she gets a gift that she only registered for cuz its was kinda cute, or to fill her registry...she just wants her kitchen stuff... and bedroom stuff...seriously... thats all....she is always super annoyed when people get her something that is... heaven forbid... not from her registry... like a weird centerpiece or a non-approved picture frame...(items that are pretty much always a regift)
the guests, if married are just there for the food. if the guests are engaged... they are there to see what the bride gets and they will be looking at thier registry afterwards to ammend it. guests that are single just want the food, and to get thru a get together without someone asking if they are next.

baby showers:the mom to be...wants the big stuff...she wants the packnplay..the stroller...she gets annoyed when she gets outfits that aren't her style(obviously not on the registry)...too many blankets... ahh!!... she wants everyone to tell her she is one of those perfect pregnant ladies who you can't tell is pregnant 'cept for the belly... she wants the other moms to say how jealous they are of how good she looks, she doesn't want people saying any of the following: 'whoa! do you got twins in there?' 'you look ready to pop' 'oh my goodness you got huge!'...guests just wanna see a few cute things...but after the second onsie they are bored and just pretending to care...most are there for the mini quiches, to see how fat the mom to be has gotten, and to get inside information about the name of the baby or the wierd birth plan that they can talk about to their friends later...

yes.... underneath those cute sundresses...and trendy necklaces.... there are hearts of monsters....
women are bitchy meanies...
ok... so there are some ladies that will read this... or not read this who would say...and i'm paraphrasing..'oh heavens no... i dont feel like that at showers...showers are so fun and such a special time to celebrate a friend or relative, its not about the gifts or the food, its about the sweet fellowship between women'... these ladies are either from a generation that didn't have 'registrys' or... are aliens.

whoa beki, why the hate and judgement?!? uh... duh thats what i do.

done. brush your teeth.

happy ending

so i thought i would tell a few tales from my massage table...i have more than this but not enough time today.
i have done massaging at a chiropractor's office and then also i do house calls... (no happy endings...i am not that kind of asian massage therapist)

jumping right in:

i was massaging these hockey players and i was setting up my table...so i shook out my fitted sheet and yes out dropped a pair of my underwear that had static clinged to the inside just waiting to humiliate me....i now wash my sheets by themselves.

boners...nuff said.

this one creepy character i saw at the chiro office: told me he was trying to be a casanova (he used the word casanova).... he was reading books on picking up ladies...he told me that he went to barnes and noble to test out his flirting techniques.... so he told me how he would carry a piece of lint in his pocket and pretend to take it off a girls shirt to start a conversation. he said the trick to getting a girl interested was to give them a compliment and then put them down... like...you have a nice smile but your breath stinks...well anyways...he told me he likes asians with long hair...lucky me...i cut my hair that week..
**further description of said casanova: he didn't shower or use deodorant, he had long dandruffy hair, he drove a turquoise astro van, and lived with his mom...he wore two pairs of sweatpants at the same time and a purple snake print shirt with a black turtleneck underneath every time i ever saw him...which was once a week for two months...oh and he made abstract paintings that he sold on ebay...

the dad of the dr whose chiropractor office i worked at was the worst of the sexually suggestive men i ever massaged. he told me he would take me on the road with him(he was a truck driver)..he said he would be my sugar daddy, that he would buy me cute lil outfits. he said that he had massages in japan and he thinks that he wished we were there...

farts...nuff said

one lady told me her husband beats her, and in the next breath told me how loving her husband is...she told me she cant think and talk at the same time cuz its distracting...i found out later when i hadn't seen her in a while that she was in pine rest.

one lady sat upright in the middle of the massage and showed me her boobs and asked if i thought she needed a boob job...then proceeded in moving them around for me to see how floppy they were...

one old lady the whole time would say, "oh yeah" "thats the spot" she was over 80...

i'll leave you with that mental picture..

done. buy me candy.

ps. blog topic suggestions are welcome

i blogged your mom last nite....

uh... ok... so.. blogging.
today i am gonna talk about why people blog....well why i think people blog.

people blog because they are egotistical and concieted... lol yes i am including myself obviously cuz i am blogging rite this second...

its the same reason why people fill out surveys and post them to facebook and or email them to a list of friends...also why people change thier facebook status on a regular basis...

i am deluded enough to think that people will maybe wanna read my thoughts on anything... i dunno... dumb things too... like... if i like blue cheese dressing (love it) or... what my thoughts are on tyra banks being scared of dolphins (everyone should have a respectful fear of them... they are rapists)... if you didn't think people mite care... it would be called 'a diary' or 'a journal' and no one else would have access to it.

ok... so we got that down... now... there are some other branches of blogging....
like... 'well i want to keep people updated on the family'....or...'a blog dedicated to my career or hobby' well.... dont get me wrong i will spend some time reading about the daily grind...
but... i strive to make my blog more editorial... and... um... i guess conversational...but the whole... egotisical thing again... i dont super care what people think about the subjects i am writing about... but i do care about what people think about what i think about subjects...
ha! you may have to read that last part twice... it makes sense... and now you are thinking... whoa...
that is why people interrupt.
because while they were half listening to what someone was talking about they thought of something about themselves or someone they know that they just needed to say...and they think its much more interesting then what the person they are talking to was saying...or... what the other person was saying triggered something that excites you so much you just gotta get out YOUR thoughts (very typical of my interruptions) i should know i interrupt all the time...

ok... so... yeah... if we're friends... i dont want you to be analyzing our conversations thinking that if i interrupt you i think what you are saying is lame.... dont think that... my friends that i actually take time for are not lame at all... they are more interesting and funny and talented than other people's friends. blah blah blah... this blog just started going downhill...with sappy uninterestingness... i will now interrupt it with...

done. go eat some chips fatso.

parenting for imbeciles

i am a mama. its who i am, its what i do, its why i can't wear a two piece bathing suit.
i will not be blogging on this primarily in my blogging future...if i was gonna do that i would have named this blog site...snack tits... or meal breasts...or...mommy's lil blog... LAME... i will save most mama talk for other mamas...but... i also warn that it does contribute to some of my opinions and i am with my girls constantly so they will come up in my conversational writings...

i do not consider myself to be an expert on parenting...but i do consider myself a good parent. if you are a parent and you dont consider yourself a good parent then i would add 'shouldn't be a parent' to your description. ok.... before you poop your pants.... let me explain myself.

i consider myself a good parent because i am concerned with the well-being of my children and do things to better them and their lives. i try to be a good example, i am aware of my faults and that i am not perfect, yet i know that i can choose to try my damnest to be a good role model thru my actions and how i teach my children to behave in general and towards others. ok that being said.... if you say...'i'm not a good parent' then whats stopping you? it doesn't take money...schooling...or fruit snacks....if you dont think you are a good parent then you shouldn't have kids....cuz you will ruin the ones that you are lucky to have.

ok... so lets continue on this rant of mine...

i title this next portion...kids these days...
kids these days... and in 'the old days' for that matter... need parents. ok... so no kidding captain obvious.... so let me explain this statement further...
loin fruit does not need best buddy parents...they need parents...period. i feel like parents want to be the cool parents that other kids envy....if you have bought your underage child alcohol or smokes...you should be punched in the face...i will do it if need be. kids will drink and smoke if thats what they want to do... but why in the world would you do something illegal for your kid thats not good for them in order for them to like you? good grief...it just instills the idiotic notion that you have to be on some substance to have a good time... it can make for a fun time... but isn't necessary... if it is necessary in order to make you interesting... you should get a life ya loser. are you gonna let your underage kids bf or gf sleep over at your house? kids are gonna have sex if they wanna get it... but... teach them to protect themselves... dont provide them a place in which to wiggle on top of eachother with your blessing.... they can do it in the car like the rest of us had to when we were that age...ha.
if you have to be 'totally cool' then save it for your friends... remember them? they are the people that are old enough for fun immaturity. give the kids to a babysitter and have sweet fellowship tied together with a game of grab ass with your friends that you didn't give birth to/make your poor woman give birth to.

i would love for my kids to respect me and even like/love me :)...i want them to admit that i am thier mom and even be interested in my opinion sometimes...
but... if some days i hear 'i hate you mom'... or 'you are ruining my life' i will consider my role as a parent sucessful.
if i actually wanted to 'ruin your life' i would put you in toddler/child beauty pagents.

done. go back to work.

officially its official.

uh... duh... i've decided after some persuasion of the kurt neller kind to be a blogging type person.
so, yeah, i figured i should have one of those first blogs that people have to say... uh... hey... i just started blogging... i am getting a handle on things... i'm new at this... BLAH BLAH... make me yawn and then throw up and then yawn at how boring it was throwing up.

i'm getting into it rite this minute... hold onto your butts... well for real dont... cuz seriously how could you be sorta reading this blog while talking to people on facebook and updating your twitter(i think twittering is lame... fyi) AND...holding your rear.... so.. yeah... just get ready i guess... ugh... thats super lack luster... "get ready i guess".... i am gonna have no readers... is that what they are called even? who cares! ha! minus a few more....

so yeah... i hate capital letters... sentences... grammar...full words....

oh... i forgot that i was gonna 'get into it'
my first topic that i have decided on is........what i last saw on the bedroom tv before i ran out and decided to start blogging immediately....
vh1 has a show called charm school... maybe a longer show name but i dont feel like getting up... plus my butt has half fallen asleep and i dont feel like waddling back to the tv....
ok... i digress... (sp? who cares)
ok... so those ladies... and by ladies i mean: mannish boob wearers....ahhh ok so those women... and by women i mean: disease carrying caverns....OK OK OK...where do they get those clothes? i feel like they all have like... a look that they sport... and... its... horribly non-classy... but.........i gotta give them credit for making themselves believe that two pieces of yarn and a slap bracelet constitute as clothing...i am just really intrigued by it...
enough on that... its just my thought that i had to get down before i could fall asleep...

ok... so i gotta few rules that i just thought up....
if you are gonna read my blogs....
dont ever ever ever try to correct my spelling... or try to fix something i said into what you think i meant to say..... i always double read things before i post them and if i messed up in any way... LEAVE IT BE...i will not only mock you... i will throw mind ninja stars in your general direction...
ok... also... please dont tell me if you are offended by anything i write from here on out.... if you are... then stop reading and go read your aunt's blog... or your mom's best friends blog...
also...go ahead and judge me...cuz frankly i'm judging you... and i mite actually be judging you in my blog....but dont expect me to want to hear about you judging me... start your own damn blog so i can not read it.

done. go to bed dummy.