mail order bride

uh... seriously i challenge you to tell me something that can compare to getting things in the mail. i just got two shirts in the mail today... and i am super duper excited. like... obviously i ordered them, paid for them, and all that rigamarole... but... then... the waiting for it to arrive and finally opening up the package... BEST THING EVER!
birthday cards, invites, magazines, yay!!!!

i wish there was like... a 'as awesome as unicorns' mail box and a 'bad news bears' mail box.

'as awesome as unicorns' mailbox can contain: any kind of check or payment that makes you richer, fun things you ordered, trinkets, letters, magazines, naughty magazines(**wink wink**), invitations (my husband would put the invitations to weddings in the other mail box) and some cards....

'bad news bears' box can contain: bills, lame coupons for art van, letter bombs, mean notes from the library saying you forgot to return a book, any card containing confetti=ugh...seriously?!?!?!, and bills(yes i am mentioning this twice),

i wish that everytime you went to a store they would just mail whatever you bought and it would be at your home by the time you get there. yep... that would be ideal....cuz really who wants to carry around bags at the mall.... super lame. (one reason to have kids...other than the love blah blah blah... is...strollers carry all your dumb bags.)

and just consider the mail order bride... how neat would that be to like... pick out the russian woman that you want... send your money(do they take paypal?) and then... you wait.... and... hooray! a woman who is forced to cherish you cuz you bought her and gave her a forest green taurus to drive....i mean just the anticipation alone of seeing the mail man carry her up to your door cuz she doesn't fit in the mail box (calm down banana brains i know thats not how it works)

ok, so i like email and all that... but... the excitement is just not there....its just all kinda anticlimatic...real mail mail(i refuse to call it snail mail because i am not middle aged)... anyways... real mail mail is just where its at. its fun and exciting, and frequently it is surprising...
specially when its letter bombs.

done. clean your ears.

lets shower together...shall we?

ugh...

baby showers and bridal showers... aka... the worst thing ever.

seriously... ew. a bunch of random women bunched together on fold out chairs oo-ing and ah-ing over lame gifts.

i have to throw a baby shower for my sister this fall... and i have decided on a halloween theme...
absolutely no games. but plenty of food and food.
i think the games are the worst part... cuz frankly i do not think they are a lil bit fun or funny.

ie:
baby showers:
everyone having a baby pin and if they say the word 'baby' they have to give it to the person that caught them saying it... whoever has the most pins wins...
or... diapers filled with mushed up candy bars... you have to guess what candy bar it is...(you would think that i would like this cuz its supposed to be funny involving poop like situations... but... mostly i think it is an egregious waste of candy...)
or...name that baby food...(lame)
or...guess how big around the mom is...(ugh... just another delightful way to remind the mom she is a fat slob)
bridal showers:
bridal bingo...i dont even feel like explaining this
guess that household item wrapped in paper...
make a veil outta toilet paper...(the aunts and grandmas just pee thier mom jeans over this game...they love it)
questions that the fiance answered and now the bride has to see if she gets the same answers...slightly interesting... when it was called the newlywed game!
ugh.

wanna know whats really going on during a shower...well i'm gonna tell ya...
bridal showers: the bride just really wants everything on her registry... and she is slightly annoyed any time she gets a gift that she only registered for cuz its was kinda cute, or to fill her registry...she just wants her kitchen stuff... and bedroom stuff...seriously... thats all....she is always super annoyed when people get her something that is... heaven forbid... not from her registry... like a weird centerpiece or a non-approved picture frame...(items that are pretty much always a regift)
the guests, if married are just there for the food. if the guests are engaged... they are there to see what the bride gets and they will be looking at thier registry afterwards to ammend it. guests that are single just want the food, and to get thru a get together without someone asking if they are next.

baby showers:the mom to be...wants the big stuff...she wants the packnplay..the stroller...she gets annoyed when she gets outfits that aren't her style(obviously not on the registry)...too many blankets... ahh!!... she wants everyone to tell her she is one of those perfect pregnant ladies who you can't tell is pregnant 'cept for the belly... she wants the other moms to say how jealous they are of how good she looks, she doesn't want people saying any of the following: 'whoa! do you got twins in there?' 'you look ready to pop' 'oh my goodness you got huge!'...guests just wanna see a few cute things...but after the second onsie they are bored and just pretending to care...most are there for the mini quiches, to see how fat the mom to be has gotten, and to get inside information about the name of the baby or the wierd birth plan that they can talk about to their friends later...

yes.... underneath those cute sundresses...and trendy necklaces.... there are hearts of monsters....
women are bitchy meanies...
ok... so there are some ladies that will read this... or not read this who would say...and i'm paraphrasing..'oh heavens no... i dont feel like that at showers...showers are so fun and such a special time to celebrate a friend or relative, its not about the gifts or the food, its about the sweet fellowship between women'... these ladies are either from a generation that didn't have 'registrys' or... are aliens.

whoa beki, why the hate and judgement?!? uh... duh thats what i do.

done. brush your teeth.

happy ending

so i thought i would tell a few tales from my massage table...i have more than this but not enough time today.
i have done massaging at a chiropractor's office and then also i do house calls... (no happy endings...i am not that kind of asian massage therapist)

jumping right in:

i was massaging these hockey players and i was setting up my table...so i shook out my fitted sheet and yes out dropped a pair of my underwear that had static clinged to the inside just waiting to humiliate me....i now wash my sheets by themselves.

boners...nuff said.

this one creepy character i saw at the chiro office: told me he was trying to be a casanova (he used the word casanova).... he was reading books on picking up ladies...he told me that he went to barnes and noble to test out his flirting techniques.... so he told me how he would carry a piece of lint in his pocket and pretend to take it off a girls shirt to start a conversation. he said the trick to getting a girl interested was to give them a compliment and then put them down... like...you have a nice smile but your breath stinks...well anyways...he told me he likes asians with long hair...lucky me...i cut my hair that week..
**further description of said casanova: he didn't shower or use deodorant, he had long dandruffy hair, he drove a turquoise astro van, and lived with his mom...he wore two pairs of sweatpants at the same time and a purple snake print shirt with a black turtleneck underneath every time i ever saw him...which was once a week for two months...oh and he made abstract paintings that he sold on ebay...

the dad of the dr whose chiropractor office i worked at was the worst of the sexually suggestive men i ever massaged. he told me he would take me on the road with him(he was a truck driver)..he said he would be my sugar daddy, that he would buy me cute lil outfits. he said that he had massages in japan and he thinks that he wished we were there...

farts...nuff said

one lady told me her husband beats her, and in the next breath told me how loving her husband is...she told me she cant think and talk at the same time cuz its distracting...i found out later when i hadn't seen her in a while that she was in pine rest.

one lady sat upright in the middle of the massage and showed me her boobs and asked if i thought she needed a boob job...then proceeded in moving them around for me to see how floppy they were...

one old lady the whole time would say, "oh yeah" "thats the spot" she was over 80...

i'll leave you with that mental picture..

done. buy me candy.

ps. blog topic suggestions are welcome

i blogged your mom last nite....

uh... ok... so.. blogging.
today i am gonna talk about why people blog....well why i think people blog.

people blog because they are egotistical and concieted... lol yes i am including myself obviously cuz i am blogging rite this second...

its the same reason why people fill out surveys and post them to facebook and or email them to a list of friends...also why people change thier facebook status on a regular basis...

i am deluded enough to think that people will maybe wanna read my thoughts on anything... i dunno... dumb things too... like... if i like blue cheese dressing (love it) or... what my thoughts are on tyra banks being scared of dolphins (everyone should have a respectful fear of them... they are rapists)... if you didn't think people mite care... it would be called 'a diary' or 'a journal' and no one else would have access to it.

ok... so we got that down... now... there are some other branches of blogging....
like... 'well i want to keep people updated on the family'....or...'a blog dedicated to my career or hobby' well.... dont get me wrong i will spend some time reading about the daily grind...
but... i strive to make my blog more editorial... and... um... i guess conversational...but the whole... egotisical thing again... i dont super care what people think about the subjects i am writing about... but i do care about what people think about what i think about subjects...
ha! you may have to read that last part twice... it makes sense... and now you are thinking... whoa...
that is why people interrupt.
because while they were half listening to what someone was talking about they thought of something about themselves or someone they know that they just needed to say...and they think its much more interesting then what the person they are talking to was saying...or... what the other person was saying triggered something that excites you so much you just gotta get out YOUR thoughts (very typical of my interruptions) i should know i interrupt all the time...

ok... so... yeah... if we're friends... i dont want you to be analyzing our conversations thinking that if i interrupt you i think what you are saying is lame.... dont think that... my friends that i actually take time for are not lame at all... they are more interesting and funny and talented than other people's friends. blah blah blah... this blog just started going downhill...with sappy uninterestingness... i will now interrupt it with...

done. go eat some chips fatso.

parenting for imbeciles

i am a mama. its who i am, its what i do, its why i can't wear a two piece bathing suit.
i will not be blogging on this primarily in my blogging future...if i was gonna do that i would have named this blog site...snack tits... or meal breasts...or...mommy's lil blog... LAME... i will save most mama talk for other mamas...but... i also warn that it does contribute to some of my opinions and i am with my girls constantly so they will come up in my conversational writings...

i do not consider myself to be an expert on parenting...but i do consider myself a good parent. if you are a parent and you dont consider yourself a good parent then i would add 'shouldn't be a parent' to your description. ok.... before you poop your pants.... let me explain myself.

i consider myself a good parent because i am concerned with the well-being of my children and do things to better them and their lives. i try to be a good example, i am aware of my faults and that i am not perfect, yet i know that i can choose to try my damnest to be a good role model thru my actions and how i teach my children to behave in general and towards others. ok that being said.... if you say...'i'm not a good parent' then whats stopping you? it doesn't take money...schooling...or fruit snacks....if you dont think you are a good parent then you shouldn't have kids....cuz you will ruin the ones that you are lucky to have.

ok... so lets continue on this rant of mine...

i title this next portion...kids these days...
kids these days... and in 'the old days' for that matter... need parents. ok... so no kidding captain obvious.... so let me explain this statement further...
loin fruit does not need best buddy parents...they need parents...period. i feel like parents want to be the cool parents that other kids envy....if you have bought your underage child alcohol or smokes...you should be punched in the face...i will do it if need be. kids will drink and smoke if thats what they want to do... but why in the world would you do something illegal for your kid thats not good for them in order for them to like you? good grief...it just instills the idiotic notion that you have to be on some substance to have a good time... it can make for a fun time... but isn't necessary... if it is necessary in order to make you interesting... you should get a life ya loser. are you gonna let your underage kids bf or gf sleep over at your house? kids are gonna have sex if they wanna get it... but... teach them to protect themselves... dont provide them a place in which to wiggle on top of eachother with your blessing.... they can do it in the car like the rest of us had to when we were that age...ha.
if you have to be 'totally cool' then save it for your friends... remember them? they are the people that are old enough for fun immaturity. give the kids to a babysitter and have sweet fellowship tied together with a game of grab ass with your friends that you didn't give birth to/make your poor woman give birth to.

i would love for my kids to respect me and even like/love me :)...i want them to admit that i am thier mom and even be interested in my opinion sometimes...
but... if some days i hear 'i hate you mom'... or 'you are ruining my life' i will consider my role as a parent sucessful.
if i actually wanted to 'ruin your life' i would put you in toddler/child beauty pagents.

done. go back to work.

officially its official.

uh... duh... i've decided after some persuasion of the kurt neller kind to be a blogging type person.
so, yeah, i figured i should have one of those first blogs that people have to say... uh... hey... i just started blogging... i am getting a handle on things... i'm new at this... BLAH BLAH... make me yawn and then throw up and then yawn at how boring it was throwing up.

i'm getting into it rite this minute... hold onto your butts... well for real dont... cuz seriously how could you be sorta reading this blog while talking to people on facebook and updating your twitter(i think twittering is lame... fyi) AND...holding your rear.... so.. yeah... just get ready i guess... ugh... thats super lack luster... "get ready i guess".... i am gonna have no readers... is that what they are called even? who cares! ha! minus a few more....

so yeah... i hate capital letters... sentences... grammar...full words....

oh... i forgot that i was gonna 'get into it'
my first topic that i have decided on is........what i last saw on the bedroom tv before i ran out and decided to start blogging immediately....
vh1 has a show called charm school... maybe a longer show name but i dont feel like getting up... plus my butt has half fallen asleep and i dont feel like waddling back to the tv....
ok... i digress... (sp? who cares)
ok... so those ladies... and by ladies i mean: mannish boob wearers....ahhh ok so those women... and by women i mean: disease carrying caverns....OK OK OK...where do they get those clothes? i feel like they all have like... a look that they sport... and... its... horribly non-classy... but.........i gotta give them credit for making themselves believe that two pieces of yarn and a slap bracelet constitute as clothing...i am just really intrigued by it...
enough on that... its just my thought that i had to get down before i could fall asleep...

ok... so i gotta few rules that i just thought up....
if you are gonna read my blogs....
dont ever ever ever try to correct my spelling... or try to fix something i said into what you think i meant to say..... i always double read things before i post them and if i messed up in any way... LEAVE IT BE...i will not only mock you... i will throw mind ninja stars in your general direction...
ok... also... please dont tell me if you are offended by anything i write from here on out.... if you are... then stop reading and go read your aunt's blog... or your mom's best friends blog...
also...go ahead and judge me...cuz frankly i'm judging you... and i mite actually be judging you in my blog....but dont expect me to want to hear about you judging me... start your own damn blog so i can not read it.

done. go to bed dummy.