oh shiiiiiiiittttt

***not for the weak stomachs in the group***

i unzipped zoe's fuzzy footy pjs this morning to find that her diaper was no where to be found... but she had poop all over herself... and i asked her where her diaper was and she kept like kicking her leg and saying rite there... rite there!!!! i thought she was pointing to the corner... but then realised it was crammed down the leg of her pjs... seerrrrriously??? this is the second time this has happened with zoe... i dunno how it happens/how she does it... but yeah... so needless to say... poop was plastered all over her lower extremities..

piper jumping up and down in her crib was saying "poop poop pooop ohhh poop i poop poop" yeah... so... then after the zoe disaster was contained i picked up a very pungent piper to find that she had exploded out of the leg holes of her diaper...yes she was wearing cream furry pjs... thanks for asking.

ummmmmm....yes this all happened before 7....

and yes its all cleaned up now... the only reminder of this morning is the faint smell of shit.

done.

sleeping beauty is a lame movie

**i apologize for two blogs in a row about my children...the next one will not be about them i promise.

i cannot believe this is happening to me...

um... so... i'm a mom.

i'll let that sink in....... i know i have been a mom since may 22, 2007... but... i realised how "mom" i have become... and specially cuz i'm one of those moms...

me and paul c. are going to az... well vegas/arizona in a week and a half and i am like terrified to leave zoe and piper... like... i started crying about it... have had a panic attack about it... and now i am in a constant state of worry about it.

since i have been thinking about it constantly i realize i have never gone a day without seeing them.  i have had them watched overnite... but i dropped them off and picked them up again...never more than like 12 hrs

i am utterly shocked at my behavior/emotional state... like everyday when the girls are climbing on me... breaking things... and making everything messy and disheveled... i think... whew... i would love a vacation... like a few days away from all this... but when faced with the reality of it all... i have turned into a puddle of weirdo.

seriously... this is not like me... i'm not saying i'm a heartless bitch... but... i can completely tune out the girls crying on a car trip... i am completely ok with being the tough parent/the mean one... but... the one thing i cannot do...apparently...is cut the umbilical cord...

i am mortified with this insanity that has taken over my brain.

ok.... so i am this mom now i guess...its nuts...but i must specify i am also the kind of mom who doesn't really mind if her daughters eat something off the ground as long as it was theirs to start out with...i let them eat candy and juice.... i let them jump on the bed and furniture....they do sometimes even eat cookies in bed...

i am a walking contradiction... with one kid on my hip and the other pulling on my leg....

i used to be this bubbly boy crazy shopping and beach going girl with insane color hair.... now i'm a boring mom with blue highlites...what is this world coming to??

done.

winter is cold.

paper bag

uh... heidi fleiss... famous former madam... ugliest face ever.

wikipedia on heidi fleiss

um... she looks like a goblin in that picture on wiki and the picture on that site is 100 times better than what she really looks like...

she is on that show celebrity rehab on vh1 and... i saw part of it last nite and she was talking about how much she loved her birds... (real birds... not a british term for girls)...and how they were the only thing she loves.  honestly i hate that show cuz its like... f list celebs with a few randoms mixed in and they are just... ugh.. i can't even describe the disfunctional-ness which is the show...

ok getting off the topic...

she is hideous...i think that back in the day... she was not too bad looking... but now... its just horrifying... like the plastic surgery she has had.. makes her face move really weird... and... yeah... i dunno i just needed to put it out there into cyber space that she is just the ugliest person ever.

done.

dove conditioner is my bff

mouth breathing idiot

um... so i have loved the insult "mouth breather" since i first heard it... i just do....i think descriptive insults just make me giggle.... well...

i was sitting in church and the gentleman behind me was a true mouth breather... literally... i am not sure about his personality...like it was obnoxiously loud... he like...i heard him clear his voice once and i thought oh... that will make him stop... but... no. it did not.  honestly his personality does not even matter because i cannot befriend him....wow this is a horrible story because its happening in church... ugh... disregard that part ;)

i dunno how to explain all my thoughts i feel like i got more germs from him... and i couldn't look at him after the service... i just... ew.

now i am extremely aware of my breathing....and i have a stuffy nose rite now... so its making me even more worried about it.  well there is nothing else for me to say about this subject and i have something else i wanna write about...so...yeah....mouth breather...good insult...

done

i need chapstick but piper ate it.

hbo....you sob...

um... so i love some hbo shows... and even more so i love watching shows on dvds cuz you can watch every episode in a row... and then watch the commentary...

but... um... hbo for some lame reason doesn't let you ever just "play all" which is what i want cuz i am always doing like five different things while watching tv and having to go thru the episodes... then picking which one... and turning the commentary off or on... then pushing play for each episode is a pain in my expanding butt.

i dunno if this bugs you. but it really bugs me!

thats really all i have to say... i will still watch sex in the city, trueblood, and curb your enthusiasm...but... i will grumble a lil bit each time about how annoying it is......

ps. yes i know how lazy this makes me.

done.

capt'n and pepsi

hippos in lycra

um... so i have started reading trueblood books... ok... by "started reading" i mean i finished reading all the ones out so far....and...i gotta say every single time i see the authors fat face and even fatter neck it makes me almost not like the books.

i am not a skinny minnie by anyone's definition... but...i am snobby/bitchy enough to write this blog.

some fat people are just plain gross...yup i said it....but you and everyone else thinks it.

i am not saying thick people... because some people are just thicker... but i dont think they are "fat"

fat people are those people who are made up of squishy shapes...they have so much greasy flesh crammed into their stretchy pants that you cannot imagine how they put them on to begin with.

they have to drive around the grocery store because just carrying their immense weight would cause their blubbery knees to buckle under the strain.  they have huge neck rolls that are only interrupted by their gathering of chins....they either smell of b.o. or baby powder that they have to put inbetween their fat rolls to prevent chaffing.

seriously.

(just a friendly reminder that i have warned you that this blog isn't for people who do not "get me" or people who are not sarcastic and rude at least on the inside...stop reading and never read my blog again if you are appalled...seriously dont ever read my blog again...please...cuz it will prolly get worse)

um... ok... and now to muffin tops...and wedding cake tops (paul c. made up this name)

if you have fat rolls... or are even a lil squishier in your mid-section....(like me for an example)....you should never ever wear a two piece bathing suit.  EVER.  it is gross. it is never cute... never ever.  IF YOUR BODY TYPE CAUSES YOU TO HAVE TAN LINES EVEN IF YOU WERE TO TAN BUCK NAKED....DO NOT WEAR A BIKINI.   i feel as if its common sense...but yet some women still make us suffer thru  glimpses of their roly poly physique.

and on the same subject...why do these women aways wear those skin tight stretchy shirts that emphasize their lumps? (not lovely lady lumps...but lumpy bumpy cottage cheese skin)...like they are constantly wearing a brightly colored three quarter length stretchy t-shirt with a white tank top(with pit stains) underneath....why would you do this???? why?????  sometimes they are patterned shirts with a little seam under their fat tits...just a word from the wise...this type shirt almost always produces thoughts from at least three people that you are pregnant.

speaking of fat tits...

sometimes fat girls think... oh i have big boobs... so i'm hot because of my big chesticles... eh.....sometimes almost... but other times... uh... your boobs are droopy and you can tell they are like flattened, pasty...and veiny and almost like folded into their matronly bras...this is gross... if you know your boobs are like this...or are even suspicious that your boobs may be like this... i promise you...no one wants to see them.

layers and different textures of fabrics are your hope... they will help u thru your lumpy bumpy times...  classic waisted jeans for the most part can be your tucked in fat's solice....not low rise jeans...for heavens sakes... those just produce more layers to your wedding cake.

ok... so honestly... i have backed myself into a lil bit of a corner here... i do not hate all larger people.  not at all....i just think that their are ways for a size extra large person to not equal an extra gross person... and lots of people are too lazy to do these things....i obviously realise its hard to lose weight... i had two kids in two years...i'm pudgy....but... i will always try my damnest to not gross people out by looking at me.  some skinny people are equally gross... the girls with the stripper hair that is overgrown and unkempt and forms a v from lack of maintence...the camel toes... the b.o....the denim shirts....whew...

done.

its hard to itch an itchy toe...