3.30.2010

for the gentlemen...

um... that last post was woman-geared....and frankly quite a bit of my blogging is feminine.  but that is mostly because i have a vagina.

so i am gonna try to write a post for the bros.  um...hm.... what to talk about.....
um.... i will talk about things girls say... and what they really mean.

"never"
ie: i will never ever wear crotchless panties.
i will never let you film me during intercourse.
i would never sleep with that guy.
i have never had sex before.
i will never let you put that in my butt.
i never sleep with a guy on the first date.
(yes these examples have to do with sex... but hey... thats the only thing you wanna really know about anyways)

never = prolly wont... but...can be persuaded into most anything thru romance and jewelry.

if you gave a girl crotchless panties(note only if you are in a relationship with this lady...aka had sex with her for more than one month)  and you gave her a bracelet or necklace at the same time...(from a jewelry store) then... heck yeah she will wear the panties with her jewelry and have sex with you that nite.
if you tell your lady friend she is so sexy and hot and blah blah... she will be more adventurous during sexy time...if you tell her during sexy time... even better.
for those girls who say they are virgins...they prolly have perfected the blowjob...or heaven forbid...the handjob...lame...girls dont stay virgins forever...well some do... but most dont....if they did there wouldn't be children.

"it doesn't matter"
ie: it doesn't matter if you come to my friends wedding with me...
it really doesn't matter if you get me anything...
oh... it doesn't matter if you take one of your friends instead.
it doesn't matter...get whatever you think i'll like.

panic!  it does matter!
if she talks about an event...like a wedding... or reunion...or a friends dinner party.  you must go.  otherwise you will have a bitchy grumpy... eh... i dont feel like fooling around... i feel like reading a magazine while glaring at you...kind of girl.  if you want bonus points... ask her when it is... and say... hey do you want me to come with you? before she says "it doesn't matter" then...you will then recieve a bouncy happy girl in your lap... kissing you and loving you... well until you mess up again.
ok... so the whole gift thing....this is not about the benjamins... (unless you are extreemly weathly... then it is) you should at least get her a card... or write her a lil note or something....it does matter if you get her something... she wants to be able to brag to her friends what you got her... she wants to slyly put into a conversation that her bf/husband is thoughtful and romantic... even if you aren't usually... it matters when its a gift giving situation.  you can be the biggest dick ever...but you will get a girl to say you are sooo sweet if you just remember to get her something... if you throw in "it just made me think of you" or..."remember when you were talking about ___" or... "i really hope you like it"..she will giggle and get all bashful...and very happy.
it doesn't matter if it is something she isn't interested in... if there is a concert or party or event where other men are taking a date...you must invite her.  hey... if you dont want her to go... the only reason can be that you wanna pick up a new girl.... well at least thats what she will be thinking...(dont say i didn't warn you.
when a woman says..."get whatever you think i like" or "you know what i like"...um... you better know....because even tho she prefaces it by saying... it doesn't matter...it does.  it is a test.  if there are two desserts and you can't decide... bring her both.  if its a colored article of clothing...either match her eyes... her coat... or... pick out a shirt or something she wears alot and match it... or get the other color cuz "you remember she already has a shirt that color".  if its a drink choice... get a flavor you think she has gotten when you were around... and then get a drink that just sounds good... and then say...i got both these... you can have whichever you like...when she picks... then say...cool i wanted this one...


"she's pretty"..."whoa she's hot"..."the pretty one"

uh........you may sorta agree on the outside.  you may make a kinda non-chalant eh...yeah...she's ok... you may not under any circumstances add to her statement.  do not.  do NOT.  its pretty much common sense... but you have prolly seen your girl in her ugly "time of the month" underpants... her full pj mode... her...bad morning breath... her sweaty frumpy frazzled times.....she may even be having a combo of any of these when she says this statement... still...if you add details or explain how she is hot... it will just end up in bad things.  unless you are explaining how you like one of YOUR girls body parts better than the hot girls...just dont make it sound insincere or fake....cuz thats just as bad....lets be honest... i'm sure the girl she was talking about was hot...and prolly hotter than your girl.  but... lets be honest...your girl lets you be her bf/husband....she lets you lay on top of her... she is better than that hot girl... i bet that hot girl is whiny and would spend all your money on slutty clothes...that she would use to pick up a hotter richer man.

ok... so honestly we all talk about sex with our close friends... well by "we" i mean anyone who is reading this....if you talk about your significant other doing sexy time things... make sure he/she looks like an awesome pornstar...a girl/guy that anyone would want to get with....never say anything that is bad... because those guys or girls you are talking to... will tell their significant others...no matter what...so... come'on... be cool... make your partner look good....thats just common courtesy.

another tip.  if your lady makes a meal for you.  eat it.  at least take a few bites.  no matter what you have prolly eaten something worse....and it will make her happy.  even if your girl makes meals all the time.  she still made it for you.  be kind, eat it...at least try it... its not poisoned... unless it is poisoned...then...um... poison control is: 1800-222-1222

ok... thats enough tips into the tricky minds of women...maybe i'll write another one of these...i promise that if i write too many placenta laced posts... i will write up another dude-post.

done.

boobs.

its a _____ (insert sex)<----sounds dirty.

so... you're having a baby.  you are gonna give birth to a lil alien looking thing covered in goo.... doctors are gonna poke you...fist you... and maybe cut your taint... you will have to wear maxi-pads for a month and your tits will leak.

but... first... halfway thru... you have an ultrasound.  now is your chance to find out if you are saving up for gaming systems or for a wedding.....so... you put on your facebook one of the following sentences:

"ultrasound today! can't wait to see the little one!"
"gonna see the baby today!"
"so excited for my ultrasound!"
"three hours till the ultrasound!"

and then........... it starts................ the comments:

"oh are you finding out what you're having?"
"yay! i'm so excited! are you gonna find out if its a boy or girl?"
blah blah... blah blah blah.

this is where i start to grit my teeth.
it is completely up to you...mom....if you want to know if your baby is a boy or girl (you thought i was gonna say something sassy instead of boy or girl...i was but...eh)
no dads... it isn't up to you... you mite kinda be leaning one way or another... but... ultimately... what your lady wants...she gets.
ok... that part isn't what i'm annoyed with.. its this following comment:

"its gonna be a surprise" (not that part...this part------>) "there are so few surprises in an adults life"

i hate hate hate hate hate hate... hate when people say that.
firstly because it sounds so superior and hoity toity (yeah... i broke out hoity toity...enjoy it)
but mostly cuz it is false.

if you want to be surprised.  then be surprised....there are plenty of other surprises tho... so... do not think that if you miss out on this surprise you are cheating yourself in any way.
when the kid is born it will be a surprise what it looks like...even if you have a 3D ultrasound... cuz... ultrasounds make it look like your baby is made outta cottage cheese.
...your baby's personality...
...your baby's voice
...your baby's hair and eye color
all of these are a surprise....also... surprise hemarroids!

here are some non-baby related surprises:
surprise visits
surprise someone likes you
surprise car crash!
surprise  your wifes been cheating on you!
surprise that creepy kid that sits in front of you in class washed his hair!
gifts...seeing someone you haven't seen in a while...new tv show...new job...a raise...surprise that brownie has nuts in it...
sneezes are a surprise...and once and a while...surprise! that sneeze made u pee a little!


so.. yeah... i have established that surprises happen every day.  if you dont figure it out you are getting a lot of slightly feminine boy stuff or slightly masculine girl stuff....good luck with that.

done.

i used the words taint and "hoity toity" in the same blog....SUCCESS!

3.16.2010

its horrible.

whats horrible?
i'll tell ya....when singers become "actors" and they sing in their movies...
i hate it.
shame on you... mandy moore... lindsey lohan...hm... who else...beyonce...whitney houston...other dumdums.
it just makes me embarrassed for them.  which i hate!  i am embarrassed enough by stuff i do... i do not need to be embarrassed for millionaires that are being ridiculous.
the thing is really they mite not be horrible actresses...or horrible singers....well lindsey is... but thats besides the point...they mite be ok... but when they sing in movies it makes me hate them.
...specially cuz it seems like they like arrange the script so that they can sing in the movie... like its not even necessary.
ew.  i mean... ew ew ew.
so yeah... i know you agree with me... i do not need to add more... cuz i am sure you want to just contemplate how right i am.
done.
candy candy candy.

3.01.2010

i'm better than you...nah nah na boo boo...stick your head in doo doo.

*title stolen from segment on tosh.o (he makes me giggle)


um... so there is nothing good on tv at this moment... so... instead of the smart decision of going to bed...i am waiting till there is something good on....so i can fall asleep during it and be pissed that i missed the ending.
yes i realise that doesn't make any sense.  shut up dum dum.

have i mentioned how grumpy i am?  well i am.  which is another glaringly huge reason for me to go to bed.  which i am not doing...kinda considering drinking some soda pop.

i have no subject for this post.  i am just randomly mentioning things like a skitzo.  no thats not how you spell that.  i dont care.  if there are any skitzo's offended...you and the rest of your personalities can bite me...unless one of you have aids... cuz i dont want aids.

i think that people with bad teeth should not wear bright lipstick.  cuz then i just can't stop looking at your mouth... and eventually am gonna look at your snaggles.  also tho people with bad teeth shouldn't wear super light lipstick cuz then your teeth look like captain crunch.

i love the smell of fabric softener.  i am not all the way sure what it does...mostly i just like laundry to have a good smell so that you can tell if its clean.  if it smells like nothing... it is worrisome to me.

it bothers me when people describe themselves as creative and unique.  i realize there are not really other words to use instead of those... but... whenever someone says they are creative... it makes me wince.  i gotta say it makes me a bajillion times more critical of anything that comes from you....and also you sound kinda like a bag of douche.

ever realize that some people that you admire/are amazed by... you either just like them more cuz they are awesome... or just hate them because they are arrogant bastards....i'm not saying that talented people are arrogant bastards... but when you are jealous talented people become arrogant bastards.


i dont think i have ever known a midget...i think they call themselves little people... but... i have known small people... just never a midget.  i know they are people... and its not like i think they are lesser than normal size people... i mean... they are lesser in amount of human... but... not like... brains and feelings.  i just dont know any.  so... dont get all explainy to me... i dont care what you have to say on this matter...i do not have any midgets in my facebook friends list....and its just interesting to me.

i often think..."oh i could do that" but to be honest... i prolly wont cuz i dont have enough drive/energy or money to do more than i do.  i wish i had like five more hrs... but... hey everyone says that... and plenty of people still do tons of awesome things.... i hope when i'm in my thirties i will be awesomer.  that is my goal.(do not respond by saying..."you are already awesomer" cuz that will just bug me... and i'm grumpy)

done.
abrupt ending.