what a luxurious mustache you have...the better to tickle you my dear

hairy women.

yes.  women that have excess amount of hair....

take care of it!

especially when it comes to hairy faces... TAKE CARE OF IT!  i mean... its on your face!  can't you see it?

a great example of this is mary mustache who worked at mongolian bbq... i do not know her last name... because she is called mary mustache.  she was a cute/decent looking girl... skinny... brown hair....a complete sweetheart....cept for her 'stache... it was brown like her hair... and it was noticable... it was like a mexican boy's mustache... like... one that a 8-12 yr old mexican boy has.  i was hosting at mongo... and as i took these people to their table they did a double take... and the dude whispered to me... did that girl have a mustache?....how did she not notice her mustache????? seriously?  its in the middle-ish of her face?  (no i didn't change her name...its mary)

there is this lady at my church... and she has a goatee... well... its not a full goatee... its patchy... but there.  i do not completely blame this woman... she has like 7 kids... and a husband... any of them should have told her that she has a friggin hairy face and to stop shaming the family.  honestly she was also very nice.

ok... every woman... cept for strippers, amazingly good wives, and pampered women, and women in a new relationship  do not shave/wax their legs as much as they should in the colder months...but... if their legs are gonna be on display then they should de-hair them.

oh! eyebrows... also on your face... and really can make or break your look.  you can look like a hairy hose-beast with one eyebrow... or... u can look... well... as good as you are gonna look but with nice eyebrows (i couldn't say good... cuz some people have ugly faces no matter what they do) um....yeah... nuff said... if you need tips on eyebrow grooming... find a blog about eyebrows

ok... to a sensitive subject....the badger....(i like to call it a badger)  i feel like as long as if you are wearing a bathing suit and you cannot tell how you are groomed underneath it is your own business... but if you CAN... shame shame shame on you.  i dont care... its between you and your bedpartner if your badger is a hairless newborn... or a badger with a stylin' do...just make sure it can be concealed under your bathing suit with no-scragglers (yes i just said scragglers)

i think that honestly this is just nit-picking now... but... i think hairy hands and feet are also disgusting.  if someone was to only see your hand or foot they should be able to tell if you have a hotdog or a badger in your pants.

done.

i have to buy nylons...i'm gonna call them tights so that they dont seem so gross....nylons are gross.

it all boils down to politics...

i hate hate hate politics.

i hate watching the  news..... but... of course... i married a man who friggin lives and dies for politics... he watches the news, reads newspapers, reads internet news, listens to npr......yeah... hes a grown ass man... its bizzaro.

well... since i wanted to return my tank top i ordered that made me look like an overstuffed sausage... i had to go to the store... which means i had to use the car... and of course on the radio... at like.. volume level "super duper loud" was npr.

and on npr was the debate of "dont ask dont tell" policy... and if it should basically be renewed or not.

ok... and here is where i trudge into unsafe territory... even more unsafe than my rant about fluffy people.

i think that the dont ask dont tell policy is stupid.

the dude...i dunno like a congressman or something was talking about how he thinks that they should keep up the stupidness because it would make people terribly uncomfy in their barracks or showers... cuz a gay person/transgender/or hermaphrodite may be looking at their weenies, or vaginas....

are you friggin serious???? this man brought up the transgender and hermaphrodite thing in particular because he felt that they were the biggest wierdos that should be avoided at all costs.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!?!?! i mean... COME ON!

i would rather have someone who has like one vagina, three testicles, and a monkey tail  fighting for their country cuz they believe in the freedoms that our country is supposed to stand for... than a man with one penis and two balls who lies to his constituents... and wife... while he spends our tax dollars and makes our laws...

it infuriates me that the preference of penis or vagina can make people so idiotic.

someone with a penis who wants to be with someone with a penis... does not want to have sex with everyone else with a penis.  i mean... there are those horny beasts in the world who want to have sex with everyone and everything... but...if you drop the soap... someone will not stick something in your bunny because they are gay.

i am a straight woman...i do not want to have sex with every man i see... because i prefer penis...i do not want every penis... why in the world would you think a man who prefers penis wants every penis in the world?  especially a penis that is attached to a horrible human being who judges people on what they do in the privacy of their bedrooms... or...bathrooms... or well.. ok.. wherever they have sex.

you know what? straight people do crazy sexual things too...

it makes me kinda crazy that people feel like we need a law to stifle who someone can be open to love.  its not even like people would have to talk about it constantly... like it would maybe be on your registration papers...or whatever they are called...its not like your fatigues would need to have a rainbow patch on it.... like... when meeting a person... you dont instantly say... hey... i like having sex with _____(fill in the blank) you be around someone every day and not ever talk about your sexual prefrences... thats basically what happens in a office....

for the military....i feel like as long as you dont fill in the blank with "machine guns" or "atom bombs" it should be fine.

is it the fact that people dont want to give money to pay for a gay person to lay down their lives for them?  cuz thats stupid too... if you hate gay people that much...than let them be in the military cuz they will be farther away from your idiotic ass...your idiotic ass that they would never ever wanna have sex with.

its soooooo stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am kinda getting a lil worked up over this subject... and honestly i can go on for way longer about this.  i should prolly sum it up... cuz thats what people do at the end of a rant... and a sermon for that matter.

people are people they do what they do... let them do it....unless its evil.  dont let some old rich white asshole make up rules that hurt people who are good. save your fights for real evils in life...cuz here are real evils in life that need to be fought.

done.

banana cream pie.

for the love of syphillis...

so i cannot stand the broads on those finding love shows... but i absolutely love knowing who they pick in the end... and if they stayed together (the answer is always no they did not... but...i still wanna know)

so i was thinking... uh... do all these people have stds?  i mean... they have to...rite?  cuz they dude is always a man whore... who gets around with very skeezy ho bags... there is no way that they dont all have genital warts...at least the clap...

and its always the same house for most of the shows... like the tila tequila one and rock of love....so there must be a fine dusting of crabs on the furniture.

i guess i haven't really been in the dating/wheres my underwear scene for over six yrs or so... but... i feel like... everyone must have aids by now... i mean... even the people who say they are virgins are still usually trading some kind of special handshake...

well i really dunno whats going on out there these days... but i feel like before you become humping buddies with someone you should at least spray some lysol on their crotch...i dunno if that would even help... but... it mite stop the spread of h1n1.

done.

sour cream and cheddar chips vs doritos...which give you worse breath?

oh shiiiiiiiittttt

***not for the weak stomachs in the group***

i unzipped zoe's fuzzy footy pjs this morning to find that her diaper was no where to be found... but she had poop all over herself... and i asked her where her diaper was and she kept like kicking her leg and saying rite there... rite there!!!! i thought she was pointing to the corner... but then realised it was crammed down the leg of her pjs... seerrrrriously??? this is the second time this has happened with zoe... i dunno how it happens/how she does it... but yeah... so needless to say... poop was plastered all over her lower extremities..

piper jumping up and down in her crib was saying "poop poop pooop ohhh poop i poop poop" yeah... so... then after the zoe disaster was contained i picked up a very pungent piper to find that she had exploded out of the leg holes of her diaper...yes she was wearing cream furry pjs... thanks for asking.

ummmmmm....yes this all happened before 7....

and yes its all cleaned up now... the only reminder of this morning is the faint smell of shit.

done.

sleeping beauty is a lame movie

**i apologize for two blogs in a row about my children...the next one will not be about them i promise.

i cannot believe this is happening to me...

um... so... i'm a mom.

i'll let that sink in....... i know i have been a mom since may 22, 2007... but... i realised how "mom" i have become... and specially cuz i'm one of those moms...

me and paul c. are going to az... well vegas/arizona in a week and a half and i am like terrified to leave zoe and piper... like... i started crying about it... have had a panic attack about it... and now i am in a constant state of worry about it.

since i have been thinking about it constantly i realize i have never gone a day without seeing them.  i have had them watched overnite... but i dropped them off and picked them up again...never more than like 12 hrs

i am utterly shocked at my behavior/emotional state... like everyday when the girls are climbing on me... breaking things... and making everything messy and disheveled... i think... whew... i would love a vacation... like a few days away from all this... but when faced with the reality of it all... i have turned into a puddle of weirdo.

seriously... this is not like me... i'm not saying i'm a heartless bitch... but... i can completely tune out the girls crying on a car trip... i am completely ok with being the tough parent/the mean one... but... the one thing i cannot do...apparently...is cut the umbilical cord...

i am mortified with this insanity that has taken over my brain.

ok.... so i am this mom now i guess...its nuts...but i must specify i am also the kind of mom who doesn't really mind if her daughters eat something off the ground as long as it was theirs to start out with...i let them eat candy and juice.... i let them jump on the bed and furniture....they do sometimes even eat cookies in bed...

i am a walking contradiction... with one kid on my hip and the other pulling on my leg....

i used to be this bubbly boy crazy shopping and beach going girl with insane color hair.... now i'm a boring mom with blue highlites...what is this world coming to??

done.

winter is cold.

paper bag

uh... heidi fleiss... famous former madam... ugliest face ever.

wikipedia on heidi fleiss

um... she looks like a goblin in that picture on wiki and the picture on that site is 100 times better than what she really looks like...

she is on that show celebrity rehab on vh1 and... i saw part of it last nite and she was talking about how much she loved her birds... (real birds... not a british term for girls)...and how they were the only thing she loves.  honestly i hate that show cuz its like... f list celebs with a few randoms mixed in and they are just... ugh.. i can't even describe the disfunctional-ness which is the show...

ok getting off the topic...

she is hideous...i think that back in the day... she was not too bad looking... but now... its just horrifying... like the plastic surgery she has had.. makes her face move really weird... and... yeah... i dunno i just needed to put it out there into cyber space that she is just the ugliest person ever.

done.

dove conditioner is my bff

mouth breathing idiot

um... so i have loved the insult "mouth breather" since i first heard it... i just do....i think descriptive insults just make me giggle.... well...

i was sitting in church and the gentleman behind me was a true mouth breather... literally... i am not sure about his personality...like it was obnoxiously loud... he like...i heard him clear his voice once and i thought oh... that will make him stop... but... no. it did not.  honestly his personality does not even matter because i cannot befriend him....wow this is a horrible story because its happening in church... ugh... disregard that part ;)

i dunno how to explain all my thoughts i feel like i got more germs from him... and i couldn't look at him after the service... i just... ew.

now i am extremely aware of my breathing....and i have a stuffy nose rite now... so its making me even more worried about it.  well there is nothing else for me to say about this subject and i have something else i wanna write about...so...yeah....mouth breather...good insult...

done

i need chapstick but piper ate it.

hbo....you sob...

um... so i love some hbo shows... and even more so i love watching shows on dvds cuz you can watch every episode in a row... and then watch the commentary...

but... um... hbo for some lame reason doesn't let you ever just "play all" which is what i want cuz i am always doing like five different things while watching tv and having to go thru the episodes... then picking which one... and turning the commentary off or on... then pushing play for each episode is a pain in my expanding butt.

i dunno if this bugs you. but it really bugs me!

thats really all i have to say... i will still watch sex in the city, trueblood, and curb your enthusiasm...but... i will grumble a lil bit each time about how annoying it is......

ps. yes i know how lazy this makes me.

done.

capt'n and pepsi

hippos in lycra

um... so i have started reading trueblood books... ok... by "started reading" i mean i finished reading all the ones out so far....and...i gotta say every single time i see the authors fat face and even fatter neck it makes me almost not like the books.

i am not a skinny minnie by anyone's definition... but...i am snobby/bitchy enough to write this blog.

some fat people are just plain gross...yup i said it....but you and everyone else thinks it.

i am not saying thick people... because some people are just thicker... but i dont think they are "fat"

fat people are those people who are made up of squishy shapes...they have so much greasy flesh crammed into their stretchy pants that you cannot imagine how they put them on to begin with.

they have to drive around the grocery store because just carrying their immense weight would cause their blubbery knees to buckle under the strain.  they have huge neck rolls that are only interrupted by their gathering of chins....they either smell of b.o. or baby powder that they have to put inbetween their fat rolls to prevent chaffing.

seriously.

(just a friendly reminder that i have warned you that this blog isn't for people who do not "get me" or people who are not sarcastic and rude at least on the inside...stop reading and never read my blog again if you are appalled...seriously dont ever read my blog again...please...cuz it will prolly get worse)

um... ok... and now to muffin tops...and wedding cake tops (paul c. made up this name)

if you have fat rolls... or are even a lil squishier in your mid-section....(like me for an example)....you should never ever wear a two piece bathing suit.  EVER.  it is gross. it is never cute... never ever.  IF YOUR BODY TYPE CAUSES YOU TO HAVE TAN LINES EVEN IF YOU WERE TO TAN BUCK NAKED....DO NOT WEAR A BIKINI.   i feel as if its common sense...but yet some women still make us suffer thru  glimpses of their roly poly physique.

and on the same subject...why do these women aways wear those skin tight stretchy shirts that emphasize their lumps? (not lovely lady lumps...but lumpy bumpy cottage cheese skin)...like they are constantly wearing a brightly colored three quarter length stretchy t-shirt with a white tank top(with pit stains) underneath....why would you do this???? why?????  sometimes they are patterned shirts with a little seam under their fat tits...just a word from the wise...this type shirt almost always produces thoughts from at least three people that you are pregnant.

speaking of fat tits...

sometimes fat girls think... oh i have big boobs... so i'm hot because of my big chesticles... eh.....sometimes almost... but other times... uh... your boobs are droopy and you can tell they are like flattened, pasty...and veiny and almost like folded into their matronly bras...this is gross... if you know your boobs are like this...or are even suspicious that your boobs may be like this... i promise you...no one wants to see them.

layers and different textures of fabrics are your hope... they will help u thru your lumpy bumpy times...  classic waisted jeans for the most part can be your tucked in fat's solice....not low rise jeans...for heavens sakes... those just produce more layers to your wedding cake.

ok... so honestly... i have backed myself into a lil bit of a corner here... i do not hate all larger people.  not at all....i just think that their are ways for a size extra large person to not equal an extra gross person... and lots of people are too lazy to do these things....i obviously realise its hard to lose weight... i had two kids in two years...i'm pudgy....but... i will always try my damnest to not gross people out by looking at me.  some skinny people are equally gross... the girls with the stripper hair that is overgrown and unkempt and forms a v from lack of maintence...the camel toes... the b.o....the denim shirts....whew...

done.

its hard to itch an itchy toe...

once a dog always a tiger

um... i was just wondering how come tiger woods hasn't claimed he is a sex addict yet....

isn't that what famous people do when they get caught with their sexy time indiscretions?

i believe the "tweet" would go something like this...

i am  so very sorry for my personal indiscretions that have been brought to light.  i realise how disappointed my family and fans are in me.  you can not be as disappointed in me as i am.  not as an excuse, but i have now realized i am a sex addict and am going to get help for my issues.  hopefully you can be proud of me in the future once i have this addiction taken care of.

i feel like he can't say he is addicted to drugs or alcohol cuz that is way way worse in the sport area....so... its gonna have to be sex addiction.

well... anyways... i'm sayin... it mite be on the horizon...

ok i'm gonna go read while pretending to watch max and ruby with zoe.

have a very merry christmas!

done.

have a cookie

at what price?!?

um... so i saw a commercial for walmart... saying that they will match the sale prices of other stores...
and... uh... why wouldn't you just go to the other store?
i guess i always see/hear this deal on commercials... from several different stores....but... honestly..its ridiculous... i mean...unless you are super loyal to walmart but still want things the cheapest they come... but who the hell is loyal to only walmart...
when you have so many choices all within five miles...plus would you have to like bring proof that it was that certain price... and wouldn't you have to go to like the help desk... or at the very least wait for the cash register person to call in a manager to verify the price...just sounds like a hassle to me....and really... it all just sounds stupid.
like... i dont think it is even a lil bit sane to go from store to store to make sure you save an extra $0.17.
for reals... go online look around a bit... and go to the closest cheapest store. dont get me wrong my parents are dutch... i do get that thrill of saving money...but come'on...

plus the real fact of the matter is walmart smells like pee...pee and poor people.

done.
fundraiser pizza subs= delicious indigestion.

goodbye kitty

so i dont usually watch the show hoarders... because its revolting... and i just cannot feel sympathy for the people featured on the show...

oh i should prolly tell you what the show is... just in case you don't know the show...
its on a&e...it basically tells the story of people who hoard crap. and it has professional cleaners and organizers help them back to civilization...its a struggle....and it usually ends with relapse into filth or divorce.

ok... so anyways....
there was an old lady...(prolly the age of your grandmother... she looked like...89...but is prolly 75....she was plump and...frumpy....her name is shirley...duh...
and......................................she had cats.
ok... this is an understatement... they had to send in like animal search and rescue...
she had over 75 cats in her house... more than 30 of them were dead... some were just bones. she actually claims that she feeds and takes care of 25 stray cats....because no one else will... in reality:
cats have taken over her home... they live inside of mattresses and other furniture... the entire house is covered in feces and hair... there are dead cats all over the place... everything is covered in grime.... everything is broken and filthy...covered in rotting food... and cats, which are disgusting anyways...
10 of her cats had to immediately be put to sleep because they had a incurable respiratory disease...all of the alive cats were immediately removed by authorities... she was gonna maybe face animal cruelty charges... i couldn't watch the rest to find out if she did...
DISGUSTING...REVOLTING...

i saw this one episode where this young guy... like in his 20s said he couldn't throw away his dog's shed hair because he thinks it will speed up his dogs life...and make it die faster...
insanity.

seriously there are some crazy people out there... and some collect dead animals.
yuck... thinking about this makes me wanna clean... so i am gonna go give the girls a bath and clean the apt.

done.
zoe had a marker in her room this morning... nuff said.

stick it in your mouth...

ok... i do not believe that i have delved into this subject yet... but if i have... disregard it as nite grumblings.

i cannot stand women smoking... i think it is extremely revolting.
it is a complete sexist double standard... but i really dont mind men doing it... as long as the smoke isn't directly in my face... i could care less....

***in saying this i really hate when my husband smokes or chews (which is another subject all together) but i dont like my possessions smelling like smoke...including my husband and my bed....its not like i'm gonna stop him... seeing as i really dont think its a spouses place to boss the other spouse around... but... i frown upon it in general.

ok... i got off track....
i think it is completely disgusting for ladies to smoke. i think its gross....i dunno when i started to really think this...i used to smoke from time to time....i dunno but my opinions on ladies is strengthening since i have birthed two ladies out my woman area. i think ladies should be ladies... i love telling zoe to be a lady...
these are characteristics i believe ladies should possess:

1. charm/grace in public.
2. smell nice.
3. dont be a horrible nag
4. class.
5. be a good companion.
6. listen.
7. be polite.

i actually have more... but i will give just those to start with. no need to make it too complicated.
and now... cuz i have an hour before my the car/train rug i am bidding on ebay for is over i will go more into detail....and cuz... its my blog... i can do what i want...

(1) charm/grace: i cannot stand when women get all worked up in public... calm yourself down for crying out loud....ok... dont get me wrong... i dont mind a lil sass when the situation calls for it....but sass isn't in broad daylight in a store...or restaurant...sass is when you are with friends joking around and being an awesome broad.....dont be a complete bitch aka ghetto shrew...

(2) smell nice: uh......(how hard is it to smell nice?) **note smell nice does not mean smelling like potpourri or old lady perfume...lots of times women think they smell nice... but... ew...i think a light scent either fruity, citrusy...something clean... is acceptable. old ladies and fattys clean out your crevices...

(3) dont nag: seriously...have you ever heard a partner who doesn't want to be with their significant other that doesn't mention how much they nag...think about it.... if you nag constantly you will never ever get what you want... unless you want to be alone....ask nicely...if things are not happening... ask again. do not whine... do not be insufferable... just kindly ask.

(4) class: if you dont know what this is... you are prolly a dirty pirate hooker...wear panties if you are wearing something short or sheer...dont sleep with randoms (collections of randoms=collections of rashes/ointments) and for heavens sake... do not flirt incessantly with anyone....especially someone else's special person...i am a huge fan of flirting... but... dont be a dick tease... its ridiculous... no one except people with stds want someone that easy.

(5) be a good companion: be someone that people want around... but...be able to go to the bathroom alone...dont be clingy...be a good listener...and kind....be a good friend

(6) listen: seriously if you listen and pay attention you will find out a lot more than when you are a complete gossip whore...if you actually contemplate what the other person is saying to you...you will know the right response and you will also be a better person, more knowledgeable...and no one likes an attention whore.

(7) be polite: please, thank you, excuse me,...invaluable my friend....they will help you get whatever you need.

ok... and if you are all these things... you wont smoke because its not ladylike. i do not think ladies look cute or sexy smoking... and... if you dont look either... than why in the world would you do it? yeah yeah the buzz... the nicotine... eh... if you needed it then everyone would do it because its healthy....

the double standard of it all...i like men with a lil grit...out of that whole list... i really just want my men to smell nice... lol... i would forgive most of the other faults...granted... i like a man to be a gentleman... but...i think men should be men... ladies should be ladies... and yes... i do include people who like the same sex...if you like ladies... don't you want a lady who is a lady...and men...you like men because they are men....
i may be taking women backwards with my opinions but i dont care...i am not saying women and men aren't equally human beings... i am just saying i like women to be ladies...and men to be...the people who have penis's....

honestly who knows if i even know anything about anything... but...following my standards won't make you suck....

done.
edamame yum.

sappy mama (loving the girls since they are napping)

if i didn't have my girls....
I WOULD:
wear earrings.
have a clean apt.
have tons of shoes and clothes.
be skinny.
have perky boobies.
have money.
eat at nice restaurants.
go see movies.
have time for reading.
have more time for crafts.
be able to leave projects out.
have a small purse.
have a job.
I WOULD NOT HAVE:
bibs, wipes, plastic silverwear, diapers, toys in my purse and car.
cheerios and goldfish mashed up all over my car seats and car rugs.
kids furniture and toys everywhere.
kids books half eaten and ripped on every shelf.
circles under my eyes.


mainly tho....
i would have something missing
i would not have the meaning to my life.

done.
yawn.

i dont have time for this nonsense.

i have never had patience. ever. i dont want to wait for something that i could just go get now. if i want something bad enough i will just get it... which i realise makes me horrible to shop for.
i work fast....i drive fast....i paint fast...i crochet fast...i read incredibly fast.... if i like a show i want to watch every episode in a row rite now so i can see how the season ends. when the new harry potter books came out i would sit and read the whole book in one day cuz... i needed to...
when i sit i am one of those people who bounce their legs... i just wish i typed faster.... so that i could just get what i am thinking onto the screen as fast as i talk.
i get these idea's of outfits in my head that i want to wear... but then.... i dont own like... two pieces of the outfit....which makes me annoyed... and i just want to go to the store and buy them.... then if i get the chance to run to the store... usually the store doesn't have what i want... and it just adds to my impatience/annoyance.
if i know how to do something and have to watch someone else do it slower and not perfectly... i get super frustrated.
yes... my impatience is coupled with perfectionism....i want it done now... but also impeccably...
i would love to have a sleeve of tattoos... i realize that this take a few sittings and that drives me nuts cuz i would be perfectly fine sitting there for twelve hours if it meant that it would be all done at once. lol....
yeah... so get this for neurotic....
my impatience... and perfectionism... also comes with the need to please people....
so... if there is two people in line in front of me.... and i really just want them to hurry up.... when the person turns and mouths , "sorry" i say..."oh no big deal... seriously i'm in no hurry" but inside i am jumping outta my skin with annoyance.
this mite also be a part of the reason i hate pregnancy but dont mind giving birth... because when you are giving birth you are doing something that will make your baby come like... pretty soon... and when you are pregnant... you have to wait... and get fat... and you can't see your baby....(ultrasounds are ok... but.... my babies dont look like the blobby pictures on that computor screen...i dunno bout yours)
ok... also... i have a hard time making decisions.... which seems like it would make everything worse... which it does.... i dont wanna make the wrong decision that makes someone else unhappy... yet.... i want to hurry up and decide... so... i get super flustered when put on the spot. i do not do spur of the moment with grace....
i just... yeah... i know that all of this makes me seem like a super difficult person to deal with....
yeah... i'm pretty sure i have made other people secretly hate me...yes i said secretly... cuz not only am i all of these contradicting horrible things... i also... have close friends that people respect/are slightly intimidated by that make it so that it would be awfully hard to hate me out in the open.
yup. good luck. you mite think i'm a raging bitch... but you will prolly have to keep it to yourself.
HA! i win....which is something i'm completely happy with... as long as its quick and neat.

done.
got too much to do to be on this computor!