night time underpants

ummmmmmm....

so............

i bought myself a pack of underpants... yes a pack... no i do not buy cute underpants... i buy boy looking girl underpants... and think they are cute....but... they are underpants that come in a pack so by definition are not cute...but they'll do.

ok... well i bought them... and i bought a size too big... which partly makes me feel good like... hey... i am not as fat as i thought so i shudda not bought size..___ and got the size smaller... no i will not tell you the size i bought... i'm a lady....yes a lady who talks about her underpants... but a lady none-the-less.(hot damn i love words that have those dashy things included inside of them)

ok... well the other part of me is like... uh... what in the universe am i gonna do with my big underpants? when i say big i dont me like saggy bottoms droopy crotch... i just mean... not snug to my tush. (that was a "t")

well so i am currently wearing a pair, and i must say they are supremely comfy and i will wear them and love them, but.... i am thinking of making up a thing...nite time underpants...and just wear them at nite...for like sleeping?....(yeah i ended that in a question mark...cuz i am unsure and not ready to make it a statement)

uhhhhhhhhhhhh...why would someone even make this thing up?

cuz i bought too big of underpants damnit!... and yes oh yes i realize i only paid like 8 bucks for a 6 pack of underdrawers i am very much dreading spending a whole nother 8 bucks for smaller ones....well i am also thinking...well i wear dresses and skirts most of the time so does it really matter? yeah it prolly does...dangit. night time underpants it is....honestly... if this was 5 years ago... i would wear them as shorts and think i was hotstuff.

done

i drank two pots of coffee and a huge cup of tea today...i will prolly be awake til autumn.

that girl.

i would like to find that girl:

who always looks perfect;

not a hair outta place, pristine clothing, hot bod (c-cups on a xs body), make-up or lack of make-up impecable,

who is extremely talented;

very athletic naturally, incredibly smart, wonderfully artistic, excelling at singing, dancing, and mathematics

who is very well mannered;

never swears, never makes unwanted noises out of her rump or mouth, super polite and always on time

who is an incredible wife;

amazing cook, incredibly great at cleaning and decorating, knows all the rules of sport things, super bendy...

who is a great mom;

never loses her patience, her children are always well behaved, she comes up with such original ideas for activities to do with them that make them smart...

i would like to kick her in the badger....shave her head...and make her live in my apt.

done.

i am trying to drink less soda... so i only drank two cans of coke today... instead of....like five...baby steps.

this socks...

so... i dunno if its just me... but...everytime i buy clothing i think....i will wear this a ton and not even want to buy anything for a long time.

this is a lie....i have realized i tell myself this ridiculous lie every time i buy clothes to reduce guilt of purchasing.  i think the guilt of purchasing comes from... my frugality...aka cheapness...but my "desire to save money" is in direct competition with my "desire to spend money on awesome clothes"

yeah....

also...i hate socks.

done.

i have been putting piper in size 4 diapers for... like... a yr... and i just figured out she totally fits in size 3... this blows my mind(if you're not a mom dont read that...ha! too late sucker.)

you mo fo.

mothers day.

thats what day it is today....if you didn't realise that... you dont have facebook cuz thats what ever friggin status is about!

um... so... i just wanna say that i love being a mom... but i just found a picture of holding zoe for the first time and it had a bunch of things come screaming back to me...about infants...

i really have no good transistion for this so i will just list them  i think they are things... that unless you are friends with me... no one tells you until after you have had kids:

1.  when giving birth to zoe i burst a ton of blood vessels in my face so it looked like i had a ton more freckles...purple ones.

2.  i heard a cutting sound... like the sound when you cut into a piece of construction paper...  and then the dr said... i have to cut you a lil bit... yes... snip to the taint.

3.  maxipads... for a month.  a MONTH! gross times a bajillion.

4.  with piper the day after i had her... just randomly part of the placenta fell outta me.

5.  hemorrhoids.

6.  when you pee you have to squirt water on yourself right after cuz otherwise it burns horribly.

7.  scariest thing ever: sex for the first time after birth

8.  baby's first poop is like tar....and after tar its like soupy grainy mustard.

9.  when your milk comes in...a day or two after having your kid... you feel like a donkey kicked you straight in the tits.  and your boobs are rock hard and you feel like you are always flexing them... like charlie horses in your boobies

10.  your boobs leak.  like... sometimes you can go to sleep and wake up sleeping in a puddle.

11.  zoe used to spit up like the exorcist... like water coming outta a hose....its was insane.  and it happened every other time she ate.

12.  babies belly buttons are like still a tiny part of the umbilical cord attached and then it takes a week or more before that long dangler scab falls off.

ok thats enough.

i want to reiterate how much i love being a mom... but its friggin messy, gross, painful... and a shit ton of work.  that mike guy should do it as a "messy job" but... i feel like he mite not go so far to let someone cut his taint with a scissors.  honestly i love all you moms of one kid... but you have no idea how much different it is to have two...honestly no idea.

done.

give your mom a hug and a kiss and tell her that she is the best....its really the least you can do....i mean... her vag will never be the same because of you... just ask your dad...

its a _____ (insert sex)<----sounds dirty.

so... you're having a baby.  you are gonna give birth to a lil alien looking thing covered in goo.... doctors are gonna poke you...fist you... and maybe cut your taint... you will have to wear maxi-pads for a month and your tits will leak.

but... first... halfway thru... you have an ultrasound.  now is your chance to find out if you are saving up for gaming systems or for a wedding.....so... you put on your facebook one of the following sentences:

"ultrasound today! can't wait to see the little one!"

"gonna see the baby today!"

"so excited for my ultrasound!"

"three hours till the ultrasound!"

and then........... it starts................ the comments:

"oh are you finding out what you're having?"

"yay! i'm so excited! are you gonna find out if its a boy or girl?"

blah blah... blah blah blah.

this is where i start to grit my teeth.

it is completely up to you...mom....if you want to know if your baby is a boy or girl (you thought i was gonna say something sassy instead of boy or girl...i was but...eh)

no dads... it isn't up to you... you mite kinda be leaning one way or another... but... ultimately... what your lady wants...she gets.

ok... that part isn't what i'm annoyed with.. its this following comment:

"its gonna be a surprise" (not that part...this part------>) "there are so few surprises in an adults life"

i hate hate hate hate hate hate... hate when people say that.

firstly because it sounds so superior and hoity toity (yeah... i broke out hoity toity...enjoy it)

but mostly cuz it is false.

if you want to be surprised.  then be surprised....there are plenty of other surprises tho... so... do not think that if you miss out on this surprise you are cheating yourself in any way.

when the kid is born it will be a surprise what it looks like...even if you have a 3D ultrasound... cuz... ultrasounds make it look like your baby is made outta cottage cheese.

...your baby's personality...

...your baby's voice

...your baby's hair and eye color

all of these are a surprise....also... surprise hemarroids!

here are some non-baby related surprises:

surprise visits

surprise someone likes you

surprise car crash!

surprise  your wifes been cheating on you!

surprise that creepy kid that sits in front of you in class washed his hair!

gifts...seeing someone you haven't seen in a while...new tv show...new job...a raise...surprise that brownie has nuts in it...

sneezes are a surprise...and once and a while...surprise! that sneeze made u pee a little!

so.. yeah... i have established that surprises happen every day.  if you dont figure it out you are getting a lot of slightly feminine boy stuff or slightly masculine girl stuff....good luck with that.

done.

i used the words taint and "hoity toity" in the same blog....SUCCESS!

what a luxurious mustache you have...the better to tickle you my dear

hairy women.

yes.  women that have excess amount of hair....

take care of it!

especially when it comes to hairy faces... TAKE CARE OF IT!  i mean... its on your face!  can't you see it?

a great example of this is mary mustache who worked at mongolian bbq... i do not know her last name... because she is called mary mustache.  she was a cute/decent looking girl... skinny... brown hair....a complete sweetheart....cept for her 'stache... it was brown like her hair... and it was noticable... it was like a mexican boy's mustache... like... one that a 8-12 yr old mexican boy has.  i was hosting at mongo... and as i took these people to their table they did a double take... and the dude whispered to me... did that girl have a mustache?....how did she not notice her mustache????? seriously?  its in the middle-ish of her face?  (no i didn't change her name...its mary)

there is this lady at my church... and she has a goatee... well... its not a full goatee... its patchy... but there.  i do not completely blame this woman... she has like 7 kids... and a husband... any of them should have told her that she has a friggin hairy face and to stop shaming the family.  honestly she was also very nice.

ok... every woman... cept for strippers, amazingly good wives, and pampered women, and women in a new relationship  do not shave/wax their legs as much as they should in the colder months...but... if their legs are gonna be on display then they should de-hair them.

oh! eyebrows... also on your face... and really can make or break your look.  you can look like a hairy hose-beast with one eyebrow... or... u can look... well... as good as you are gonna look but with nice eyebrows (i couldn't say good... cuz some people have ugly faces no matter what they do) um....yeah... nuff said... if you need tips on eyebrow grooming... find a blog about eyebrows

ok... to a sensitive subject....the badger....(i like to call it a badger)  i feel like as long as if you are wearing a bathing suit and you cannot tell how you are groomed underneath it is your own business... but if you CAN... shame shame shame on you.  i dont care... its between you and your bedpartner if your badger is a hairless newborn... or a badger with a stylin' do...just make sure it can be concealed under your bathing suit with no-scragglers (yes i just said scragglers)

i think that honestly this is just nit-picking now... but... i think hairy hands and feet are also disgusting.  if someone was to only see your hand or foot they should be able to tell if you have a hotdog or a badger in your pants.

done.

i have to buy nylons...i'm gonna call them tights so that they dont seem so gross....nylons are gross.

lets shower together...shall we?

ugh...

baby showers and bridal showers... aka... the worst thing ever.

seriously... ew. a bunch of random women bunched together on fold out chairs oo-ing and ah-ing over lame gifts.

i have to throw a baby shower for my sister this fall... and i have decided on a halloween theme...
absolutely no games. but plenty of food and food.
i think the games are the worst part... cuz frankly i do not think they are a lil bit fun or funny.

ie:
baby showers:
everyone having a baby pin and if they say the word 'baby' they have to give it to the person that caught them saying it... whoever has the most pins wins...
or... diapers filled with mushed up candy bars... you have to guess what candy bar it is...(you would think that i would like this cuz its supposed to be funny involving poop like situations... but... mostly i think it is an egregious waste of candy...)
or...name that baby food...(lame)
or...guess how big around the mom is...(ugh... just another delightful way to remind the mom she is a fat slob)
bridal showers:
bridal bingo...i dont even feel like explaining this
guess that household item wrapped in paper...
make a veil outta toilet paper...(the aunts and grandmas just pee thier mom jeans over this game...they love it)
questions that the fiance answered and now the bride has to see if she gets the same answers...slightly interesting... when it was called the newlywed game!
ugh.

wanna know whats really going on during a shower...well i'm gonna tell ya...
bridal showers: the bride just really wants everything on her registry... and she is slightly annoyed any time she gets a gift that she only registered for cuz its was kinda cute, or to fill her registry...she just wants her kitchen stuff... and bedroom stuff...seriously... thats all....she is always super annoyed when people get her something that is... heaven forbid... not from her registry... like a weird centerpiece or a non-approved picture frame...(items that are pretty much always a regift)
the guests, if married are just there for the food. if the guests are engaged... they are there to see what the bride gets and they will be looking at thier registry afterwards to ammend it. guests that are single just want the food, and to get thru a get together without someone asking if they are next.

baby showers:the mom to be...wants the big stuff...she wants the packnplay..the stroller...she gets annoyed when she gets outfits that aren't her style(obviously not on the registry)...too many blankets... ahh!!... she wants everyone to tell her she is one of those perfect pregnant ladies who you can't tell is pregnant 'cept for the belly... she wants the other moms to say how jealous they are of how good she looks, she doesn't want people saying any of the following: 'whoa! do you got twins in there?' 'you look ready to pop' 'oh my goodness you got huge!'...guests just wanna see a few cute things...but after the second onsie they are bored and just pretending to care...most are there for the mini quiches, to see how fat the mom to be has gotten, and to get inside information about the name of the baby or the wierd birth plan that they can talk about to their friends later...

yes.... underneath those cute sundresses...and trendy necklaces.... there are hearts of monsters....
women are bitchy meanies...
ok... so there are some ladies that will read this... or not read this who would say...and i'm paraphrasing..'oh heavens no... i dont feel like that at showers...showers are so fun and such a special time to celebrate a friend or relative, its not about the gifts or the food, its about the sweet fellowship between women'... these ladies are either from a generation that didn't have 'registrys' or... are aliens.

whoa beki, why the hate and judgement?!? uh... duh thats what i do.

done. brush your teeth.