"i snoozed."-piper...aka sneezed...so its friggin cute.

ok... i'm just gonna copy and paste my fb status... cuz it took me a full five minutes to think it up...

apparently...my nose will not be finished pouring out slime until i have exhausted the four boxes of kleenex's....a few rolls of toilet paper...and a few sweatshirt sleeves...realllll cute...yeah...i should be getting better just in time for the dentist to steal my wisdom and leave me a fat faced drooling panda on friday...neat.

yeah...so... pity party... starting.... now!

my FUCKING body hates me.  yes i said fucking because this is a moment which requires it.

i feel like grumpy old lady... and yes... i am gonna be a  bitchy old women who hates everyone under 40 and calls them damn kids... and swears at them... and i'll prolly throw my woman diapers at them.

ok... here is my list of ailments:

1. my teeth infection thing... which is finally mostly gone... but they injected these like antibiotic lil pieces of something in between a few of my teeth and gums... that i am pretty sure made me sick... my evidence to this is that i threw up three times after they did this to me.

2. i realise dental hygentists are needed so that at least half of the population doesn't go toothless...but... must they rape your teeth??? honestly... must they rape your teeth?  i had the nicest woman...rape and pillage my mouth.

3.  i am getting real nervous about them taking out my wisdom teeth...mostly cuz i feel like i will have gaping holes in my mouth... and that i will have a swollen and drooly face...i mean... they can have my teeth... that part i could care less about... but... if it makes me not able to be in public aka the east town st. fair...without shaming my family and friends...i'm gonna be pissed.

4. i have a lame ass cold... the cold is grinding up my nose and under my nose area... it is now chapped and looks as if i like to vigorously rub my face on the carpet(sounds kinda gay)... for no reason....to complain further... having any kind of illness while having to take care of small children is a bitch....it super sucks... and is for lack of words....hard.

5. i love the new tattoo i got... its not all the way done... but... i love what is done... well... i am kinda allergic to a&d ointment...which you put on it... so i basically got hives on my arm...which...i can't itch... cuz... its a tattoo and you dont friggin scratch a tattoo dummy... its all cleared up for the most part... i feel like i shudda known... cuz i get weird reactions to everything... i'm allergic to bandaids for cryin out loud!

6.  i sure there is more... but... this is enough bitching to last a lifetime!

so yeah... i'm a complaining complainer...maybe i'll be in a better mood/mindset tomorrow... but i highly doubt it...

done.

i like to call peanut butter...nut butt...

sunny weather ignorant

ok.  this is gonna make some people pissed... and or make them hate me cuz this next statement is gonna make me look real dumb...

but... i like to say things like that so...

sometimes i get malibu and miami mixed up.

like... sometimes they are the same thing in my mind.

HA! ... no... i'm serious... ok... i realise diff states... diff places... but... comeon... they are both kinda tropically hot places... well friggin hot places where girls wear slutty outfits constantly and its cool....ok... i'm sure other stuff happens... like... clubbin.. and... body shots?  ok... geography police... dont freak out... 

man... and the thing is... i really have no use for either place....but i like malibu rum... and i used to like the miami song by will smith....so i dont have like hate for either place... obviously since i like things that are distantly related to the place cuz their names are in it....i was being facetious... since you can't hear my tone.

ok...i should be in bed... i'm a mother for cryin out loud...

done.

uh... i'm watching real world... horrible...so horrible.

a f-ing adult

um... do not be confused by the title... it is not really pertaining to an older person having sex.  it is about... being an actual adult.

uh... so i have done a few things lately that are in my mind...crazy... mind blowing... a bj for the mind.

for starters... i joined a gym.  yeah... i get all my wobbly bits to a place where actual exercise happens...and... i'm addicted.  like instantly... i really like it... and its fun....and i miss it when i dont go... so friggin weird cuz honestly... i am like one of the least healthy people... i love candy and caffeine... i love fatty foods...and doing nothing.  i hate sweating and being active... i typically am an indoor person and while indoors i like to eat.  uhhhhhh... duh... for these reasons...(compounded by the fact that i had two babies that gave me diabetes) i am wearing a size m when i should be wearing a size xs since i am friggin 5'1'' i should be a tiny lil bitty girl... instead of a mini-sumo wrestler...i do not want it to look like a bunch of hippos are trying to escape from my shirt or pants....and i feel like i have "let myself go"   zoe told me..."your belly!!! soon a baby will come outta it!!!" i said.. "no... i'm fat" and she said... "oh.".... well anyways... snap fitness... and eating better is gonna be my ticket to being as good lookin as i can get.

ok... secondly... i have taken care of my credit cards...or worked out how to take care of them... i hate money issues and when people talk about money issues... so....nuff said.

thirdly....after a debilitating fear of dentists...i have found one that i like (as much as you can like someone poking up with pointing things into the soft tissues of your mouth.)  i am getting my wisdom teeth taken out in two weeks....which is something that i am pretty sure usually happens to teenagers... well anyways... yeah... i feel like an adult now that i am forcing myself to make sure i have a couple of my teeth left in my mouth by the time i am 30...which is in... ugh.. 3 yrs and a few weeks... ew.....aspen dental is where i go... if you wanted to know you stalker....they aren't condescending... even if you have bad teeth... and they dont have kids under 6 for patients... so... no annoying-ness in the waiting room... cept for the girl who doesn't understand how to fill out her form/ can't read....

i just wanna do some backstory... the last time i went to a dentist, dr conlon (dr dumdum) he gave me a root canal and halfway thru he said... "oh... it looks like we didn't need to do a root canal"... and then later..."it looks like we broke just the very tip of the needle in your gums/root of your tooth...it shouldn't be a problem...but if it is... we will take care of it..." needless to say... i haven't been back since then... which is like 5 yrs....i think it is a good enough reason to be kinda wary of the dentist.....

well anyways... aspen dental on 28th by centerpoint mall...they didn't even ask me that dumb question of "do you floss?"

so yeah... i'm gonna be a moderately weighted adult who has teeth and a couple cents. good for me.

done.

pizza rolls

congratulations jerkface

hey its crian and cmanda's wedding today. so... yeah... have a crappy wedding dickheads.

done.
dickheads

fat tits

um... i had a major lightbulb over the head moment.

i think that if i didn't have kids...i would be fatter than i am now.

i realise that i have a squishyness about my tummy that wouldn't be there... but... i think i would weight more lbs.

cuz if i didn't have kids... i would just leave the apt whenever and get delicious food... i would make delicious things constantly and eat them all... i would be a big fatty fat tits...and you would not be my friend... and if you were friends with me... i would be your "fat friend"

i am trying to not eat after 7 and also trying not to eat bad for you stuff all the time....so far i have done that for a total of zero days....self control is not strong with me...

and now that i think about it... i dont understand why everyone who doesn't have kids and like... responsibilities... isn't whale sized.

like whale sized without any apologizing or rationalizing... cuz like... it should just be normal...

not that i think everyone should be fat... cuz thats gross... but... i just feel like... i am fat person who is just growing into her body...dont worry i wont make you look at my squish or jump around in front of you... i have some dignity....somewhere...maybe i ate it.

done.

pretzels... is that even english?

boo

for fathers day i think we got paul clark a card that had two bees on it that said "boo" and in the inside it said something about boobies.... i'm sure one of the girls ate the card or something.

anyways...

do you believe in ghosts?

i do not.  well i say that i do not because if i said i did then i would be constantly freaked out about ghosts.

i super hate scary movies because it makes stuff like ghosts seem more realistic and then it makes my mind think that maybe i believe in them... but... i do not... i dont think...

yeah... i dont. 

i am one of those jumpy people.  like i jump at loud noises... my mind wanders quite frequently and can be startled at any moment.  i feel like i am rational enough to tone down my silly girlie-ness well... as much as i can... but... sometimes...

i have very realistic dreams ever since i was a kid...i have realistic dreams and not only are they realistic but i can remember what happened in most of them... and like details and stuff.

i think my scariest dreams are where people have those like black zombie eyes... like with no white in them...but not like random strangers or celebrities but people that i know that have died.

its shit like that...ugh... freaks me right the hell out.... and maybe makes me get a teeny tiny bit freaked out about ghosts.

i had a dream like that last nite.... creeeeeepy.

i wish all my dreams were like the dream i had where i had sex with chef ramsey from hells kitchen... or with the weasley twins... or even like the one where i gave birth to zoe and a suckling pig and she rode the pig around but it was her brother... but he was a pig.

ok. i'm gonna go watch a lot of horrible tv now.

i wish you could buy cable just the channels you want...i would pick:

hbo, bravo, usa, food, hist, hgtv, lifetime, comedy central, and cartoon network.

done.

mr goodbar is a poor mans toblerone.

eating cheeseburgers with chopsticks

**to protect the people in this blog i have very cleverly changed their names.

this is prolly gonna be the longest blog i have written...just an fyi.

ok...so to begin... i have to go back... maybe i should quentin tarantino it....

crian blark wrote a comment on ceki's facebook status it said:

"Wow!!!! White Trash???? Seriously??? So according to your comment anyone that puts their kids in jeans, or jean diapers is white trash???? I mean seriously is this like the comment that you made to my wife, that if we aren't paying you, that you are not coming to our wedding?? Seems to me you are a highly racist person against the race that created what you have now! Your comments are disgusting to me, a true american would not bash this country or the founders of this country the way that you do, if your so miserable here, then go home!!! QUIT talking smack about our wonderful, free country like you have been....... Obviously you have lost your marbles!!!! !! !!! !!! "

ok... now to the beginning.

caul plark and ceki blark had offered to do the wedding pictures for cmanda alark and crian blark.....

they were given the price and what it included.  everyone agreed.  only a little more was added to the cost for driving and hotel stay(6 hr drive)...to make a grand total of $700. this correspondence began in january 2010.  to quote cmanda when she got the total.. "that sounds about right".

in march after not hearing anything or details ceki blark wrote cmanda to just confirm a timeline, and other details.  cmanda wrote that crian had lost his job, and that they were trying to budget and would get back to caul and ceki about if they could still do it but also added that they really wanted to still have them do the photos.

caul and ceki agreed with eachother that they would be willing to do the photos for $400 and told crian and cmanda.  they seemed really grateful and pretty sure that they still wanted to use them.  they thanked them for being patient and for working with them.

april, may...and then june...

the wedding is in the end of july so ceki and caul really needed some confirmation...also...it had been nearly three months with no response... so... yeah.

ceki very carefully worded this email(june 4):

hey cmanda! caul wanted me to ask you if you still need a photographer? we figured if you didn't need us to we would prolly not be able to go. caul is running out of days off! but if you need us to we can figure things out....we just need to know soonish :)

thanks!

 and got this response from cmanda:

"Hey ceki, we hope you can still make it but at this point we are just going to have family take pictures for us. We just do not have the ability to come up with that much money at this time.

Thanks,crian & cmanda"

having thought that this situation was finished and no big deal all around ceki and caul went on...to be completely honest with you they didn't really feel like doing the pictures anyways... but really wanted to help family out if they needed it.

ok......

soooo....then...one evening while watching television ceki saw an ad for huggies denim diapers.

and from her phone posted the facebook status:

"uh...if u want your baby to be doublely white trash...have them just wear huggies jean diapers...nothing is classier than your kid just wearing its undergarmet it poops in without clothes covering it in public...than having the undergarment look like daisy dukes....neat."

so... yeah... that was that... a few people "liked" the status... some commented agreements...some even added funny stories.... then crian blark added a comment of his own:

"Wow!!!! White Trash???? Seriously??? So according to your comment anyone that puts their kids in jeans, or jean diapers is white trash???? I mean seriously is this like the comment that you made to my wife, that if we aren't paying you, that you are not coming to our wedding?? Seems to me you are a highly racist person against the race that created what you have now! Your comments are disgusting to me, a true american would not bash this country or the founders of this country the way that you do, if your so miserable here, then go home!!! QUIT talking smack about our wonderful, free country like you have been....... Obviously you have lost your marbles!!!! !! !!! !!! " 

so... yes... wow indeed.

but to add the icing to the red white and blue cake...crian also put a status of his own:

"We have an idiot in our mist (yes this spelling error was how he had typed it)....then added ceki's status" 

he and his wife cmanda also both de-friended ceki.

ceki woke up to a few different texts and emails:

one from a beautiful and smart relative... we will call her hicole..."dude caul's cousin crian just went ape shit on your post, apparently his kid wears denim huggies"

and then amongst ceki's emails was that wonderful lil nugget of a comment from crian.

um... ceki is a girl... and an emotional mom-type girl... so.. yeah... she teared up immediately... and could not stop tearing up or outright crying when she thought about it or read it... or talked about it....completely lame... and really wished that she could stop....cuz frankly this crian character was a jerk with a capital d.

 so after talking with wise people and venting to saints....

ceki wrote cmanda this facebook message:

"cmanda,
i dont know if you thought i meant we wanted money or we couldn't come to your wedding??? because this is the original email i sent you:
"hey cmanda!caul wanted me to ask you if you still need a photographer? we figured if you didn't need us to we would prolly not be able to go. paul is running out of days off! but if you need us to we can figure things out....we just need to know soonish :)
thanks! "caul is running out of days off because of all the days he had to take off for his mothers funeral and our friend had a horrible accident in arizona...and his vacation days are also his sick days... so honestly he is running out of days off, he has to find a way to trade shifts to just go to a baseball game with my dad. you hadn't gotten back to us so we just needed to know if you needed us so he could trade shifts and work out the schedule.... he is the general manager so no one else can all the way do his job...so it takes a little work...plus we needed to know if we needed to get a babysitter and stuff for our girls.
so, sorry for the confusion....but we just really wanted to know if you still needed us....because if you did we would have worked it out money or not. " 

 ceki has not recieved any response from said email... and doesn't expect one unless shit starts freezing in the bowels of hell... or pigs start riding in airplanes.

now... with the dilemma of holding back the scathing email... setting crian in his place... and blasting his patriotic balls outta the water................. that was ceki's struggle...much consideration... and by this i mean...days and days of obsession and not the stinky calvin klein fragrance(name not changed) 

ceki has decided to not sent crian a letter...because any act of trying to explain things to an irrational person would be in vain and fuel crian into another fit of self-righteousness that a person of that kind craves and thrives on.  so i have decided to write this blog for ceki so that she can feel some resolution and may be able to say her piece without having to deal with crian...the hillbilly asshole of the century.

but...ceki did write this letter...that was never sent to crian... but... is what would have been sent if something was to be sent:

to crian,

"Wow!!!! White Trash???? Seriously??? *So according to your comment anyone that puts their kids in jeans, or jean diapers is white trash????** I mean seriously is this like the comment that you made to my wife, that if we aren't paying you, that you are not coming to our wedding??*** Seems to me you are a highly racist person against the race that created what you have now!****Your comments are disgusting to me, a true american would not bash this country or the founders of this country the way that you do, *****if your so miserable here, ******then go home!!! QUIT talking smack about our wonderful, *******free country like you have been.......Obviously you have lost your marbles!!!! !! !!! !!! "


*no...it was my opinion that the denim diapers were trashy...clearly a silly opinion that was made lightly, i understand if a person doesn't know me that it could be mis-interpreted...i only allow friends to view my facebook page for that reason, because the friends and family that i keep know my sense of humor.  people can completely disagree with me...it wasnt an attack against anyone...it was an OPINION.

**i never made a comment to your wife about money other than when we were talking about how much we charge.
i sent this message:
"hey cmanda!caul wanted me to ask you if you still need a photographer? we figured if you didn't need us to we would prolly not be able to go. paul is running out of days off! but if you need us to we can figure things out....we just need to know soonish :)
thanks! "
and the reason i sent it was because we hadn't heard from you guys and we wanted to be able to plan in case u needed us (babysitters, trading shifts, etc)....i maybe should have written more, but i didn't think i needed to?  which was very naive on my part...if you needed us and didn't have the money we would have worked it out....we enjoy doing photography for people and do not charge professional prices.  it is a lot of work but a sidejob we both enjoy.  we did *insert amazing beautiful people's name here* pictures and we had a lot of fun.

***my maiden name is berkhof. my parents are white....my husband is white...all of my family is white except my sister who is also adopted....i have friends of every color and religion, i have straight and gay friends... i have friends in a very diverse array of jobs...including people who are on welfare, unemployed, and people who own multi-million dollar companies....i am and always will be thankful for living in this great country. i vote, i pay taxes, and i pray for our politicians no matter what party they are a part of....i volunteer and practice doing good deeds for friends and strangers...i do not need to explain any of this to you, i do not even think i need to explain this to anyone.  but since you questioned my morals i will.

****i haven't bashed this country... i just said my opinion about a certain kind of diapers for crying out loud.  i am not even part of any facebook groups that have to do with politics except for supporting the right to bear arms... because my husband and many other loved ones have chosen to rightfully protect us.

*****i am not miserable here.  i never said i was...and never have alluded to the fact that i was.

******then go home....... that is by far the most racist thing i have ever been told.  in my WHOLE LIFE AS AN AMERICAN.  i have never had anyone say something as derogatory to me....it was a horrible thing for you to say and even if i wasn't an american citizen... this is a rude and unamerican thing to say to anyone.  america was founded on the back of immigrants.  i call america home....and without a trace of an accent, not that it would matter.

*******i enjoy being a part of america where freedom of speech is something that we all appreciate and enjoy as a right.  just as you have a right to openly disagree with me.  you have a right to your opinion of me and you certainly have a right to hate me and everything that i say and do.

HOWEVER: you do not have a right to slander me.  you DID have a right to put your opinion on my facebook page, but it was vicious, incredibly false, rude, and hateful....you called me an idiot on your fb which is just plain ridiculous...you attacked me...there is no other way to describe it.  you attacked me, without knowing me... you chose to vent and spew hate and unfair assumptions on  my silly facebook status without even contacting me or asking me to remove it in a private manner.  which i would gladly have done.  i would have gone out of my way to apologize to you and cmanda, i have removed it promptly and made a status apologizing.
i did not deserve to be treated that way....no one does.
i am sorry i offended you.  i really am....no buts or anything.  i (and most people) can not be viciously  attacked without sticking up for myself.

sincerely, ceki blark 

 so... yeah... that is bout the gist of things...

ceki has felt overwhelmed with support and love since said incident... people de-friending crian...boycotting his wedding... and lots of private name calling....so yeah... 

i now wash my hands of this...(and no not in the blood of america's founders...and dried on the constitution)

done.

i give anyone permission to attack me like crian if i have done the following things:

1. pooped on the american flag

2. kicked his wife in the badger

3. thrown a tampon at his kids

4. deserve it.

 **note: this email was written in my "home's" language so that only some people can read its contents. 

you mo fo.

mothers day.

thats what day it is today....if you didn't realise that... you dont have facebook cuz thats what ever friggin status is about!

um... so... i just wanna say that i love being a mom... but i just found a picture of holding zoe for the first time and it had a bunch of things come screaming back to me...about infants...

i really have no good transistion for this so i will just list them  i think they are things... that unless you are friends with me... no one tells you until after you have had kids:

1.  when giving birth to zoe i burst a ton of blood vessels in my face so it looked like i had a ton more freckles...purple ones.

2.  i heard a cutting sound... like the sound when you cut into a piece of construction paper...  and then the dr said... i have to cut you a lil bit... yes... snip to the taint.

3.  maxipads... for a month.  a MONTH! gross times a bajillion.

4.  with piper the day after i had her... just randomly part of the placenta fell outta me.

5.  hemorrhoids.

6.  when you pee you have to squirt water on yourself right after cuz otherwise it burns horribly.

7.  scariest thing ever: sex for the first time after birth

8.  baby's first poop is like tar....and after tar its like soupy grainy mustard.

9.  when your milk comes in...a day or two after having your kid... you feel like a donkey kicked you straight in the tits.  and your boobs are rock hard and you feel like you are always flexing them... like charlie horses in your boobies

10.  your boobs leak.  like... sometimes you can go to sleep and wake up sleeping in a puddle.

11.  zoe used to spit up like the exorcist... like water coming outta a hose....its was insane.  and it happened every other time she ate.

12.  babies belly buttons are like still a tiny part of the umbilical cord attached and then it takes a week or more before that long dangler scab falls off.

ok thats enough.

i want to reiterate how much i love being a mom... but its friggin messy, gross, painful... and a shit ton of work.  that mike guy should do it as a "messy job" but... i feel like he mite not go so far to let someone cut his taint with a scissors.  honestly i love all you moms of one kid... but you have no idea how much different it is to have two...honestly no idea.

done.

give your mom a hug and a kiss and tell her that she is the best....its really the least you can do....i mean... her vag will never be the same because of you... just ask your dad...

hairy witch

ugh... my hair... ugh...its horrid.

i just want it to be super long.

like i want really long braids... like...Pocahontas...wait.. i dunno if she had braids...in the disney movie she didn't... and thats pretty much real life... so... ok... i want the same length of hair as sandra bullock in practical magic....i realise that no one knows what this movie is...cuz frankly its not that good...but i still watch it on abc family sometimes... i dont care... google it if it matters to you... it shouldn't cuz this is a tiny lil post about my hair....really meaningless in the grand scheme of things.

done.
dumbest blog ever award

yes you look fat in those pants...but you're fat...so you will look fat in all pants.

so... i did a garage sale with pauls sis and fam in shepherd, mi for the maple syrup festival. (yes everything in the past sentence is true...even tho it seems make believe)

and ok... taking part in a garage sale... will give you a nice snapshot of americans. and by "nice" i mean over weight...nope...fat asses, trash, old crazy people, dweebs(yes i brought back the word dweeb) who live with their moms who make them go to garage sales....and then you act like you hate it...but are secretly looking for action figures and video games, and...annoying kids who should be supervised but their parents are trash.

it takes a special person to haggle down a figurine of an angel with one of her wings chipped that says underneath "a friend is an angel without wings" from 75cents to 50cents.  i would know i was in charge of taking people's money.

garage sales....or garbage sales....are a cherished spring-summer past-time...and one that i tend to enjoy... but... hate later cuz you feel like you are covered in garbage sale grime which consists of:

1. dust

2. cat hair

3. garbage juice

4. rose scented lotion

5. ketchup

6. one egg to bind it all together (that was a cooking joke...)

i prolly should not have been in charge of the money...since in the end there was 95 extra dollars(which is not a bad thing... but... kinda makes me look like a complete screw up) and also i lost the treasured..."tally sheet notebook" for a hot second... dont worry it was retrieved by running down the street in search of a lady "with a bike".

i gotta say...it is pretty satisfying to see people paying for something of yours that you think is completely worthless...and i get a thrill outta telling crotchety old ladies (emphasis on the crotch) that they have to pay 75 cents for the medium size doily...not 50 cents.  i love telling people that i am glad that they are purchasing the weird figurine of a angel spanking a baby because it is so "great"...or that the snow globe is a must because it must be worth a lot because it is so heavy....ha! like weight makes something worth more...wait...i guess it does with lots of things... but... not knick knacks...with knick knacks it usually means you are just buying a slightly heavier piece of shit.

um... also... i like the variety of body types you get to see....

some examples:

1. the woman with the largest front butt ever... but with very skinny stick legs...

2. the shelf butted retarted woman who looks remarkably like tweedle-dum...(the dum part was a pun....a rude and not politically correct pun... but a pun none-the-less)

3. the man with the shortest torso ever...i mean... his pants are at nipple level... but they do not seem like they could start at any other level.

4. the mullets and mustaches...the full skirts with mackinaw island sweatshirts...the wolf silhouette...the leather vests... its all good.

its just an interesting time....interesting indeed.

done.

laffy taffy jokes are at an all-time low.

OMG i tried on a romper.

uh... who do i think i am?

prolly j-lo or someone who is not me.  i tried on a romper today at target... yes a romper... that is a tanktop+shorts attached=a romper.

uh.....the craziest part... i kinda liked it... and wanna wear one every single day... 

cept for the fact that i dress piper(18mo old) in rompers as much as i can and i'm not quite certain i can even pull one off.

i need to not go shopping after a glass of wine and too much sun.

don't worry... i didn't buy said romper... i bought some other shit that i will take back as soon as target opens tomorrow.

done.

honestly...a romper...

for the gentlemen...

um... that last post was woman-geared....and frankly quite a bit of my blogging is feminine.  but that is mostly because i have a vagina.

so i am gonna try to write a post for the bros.  um...hm.... what to talk about.....

um.... i will talk about things girls say... and what they really mean.

"never"

ie: i will never ever wear crotchless panties.

i will never let you film me during intercourse.

i would never sleep with that guy.

i have never had sex before.

i will never let you put that in my butt.

i never sleep with a guy on the first date.

(yes these examples have to do with sex... but hey... thats the only thing you wanna really know about anyways)

never = prolly wont... but...can be persuaded into most anything thru romance and jewelry.

if you gave a girl crotchless panties(note only if you are in a relationship with this lady...aka had sex with her for more than one month)  and you gave her a bracelet or necklace at the same time...(from a jewelry store) then... heck yeah she will wear the panties with her jewelry and have sex with you that nite.

if you tell your lady friend she is so sexy and hot and blah blah... she will be more adventurous during sexy time...if you tell her during sexy time... even better.

for those girls who say they are virgins...they prolly have perfected the blowjob...or heaven forbid...the handjob...lame...girls dont stay virgins forever...well some do... but most dont....if they did there wouldn't be children.

"it doesn't matter"

ie: it doesn't matter if you come to my friends wedding with me...

it really doesn't matter if you get me anything...

oh... it doesn't matter if you take one of your friends instead.

it doesn't matter...get whatever you think i'll like.

panic!  it does matter!

if she talks about an event...like a wedding... or reunion...or a friends dinner party.  you must go.  otherwise you will have a bitchy grumpy... eh... i dont feel like fooling around... i feel like reading a magazine while glaring at you...kind of girl.  if you want bonus points... ask her when it is... and say... hey do you want me to come with you? before she says "it doesn't matter" then...you will then recieve a bouncy happy girl in your lap... kissing you and loving you... well until you mess up again.

ok... so the whole gift thing....this is not about the benjamins... (unless you are extreemly weathly... then it is) you should at least get her a card... or write her a lil note or something....it does matter if you get her something... she wants to be able to brag to her friends what you got her... she wants to slyly put into a conversation that her bf/husband is thoughtful and romantic... even if you aren't usually... it matters when its a gift giving situation.  you can be the biggest dick ever...but you will get a girl to say you are sooo sweet if you just remember to get her something... if you throw in "it just made me think of you" or..."remember when you were talking about ___" or... "i really hope you like it"..she will giggle and get all bashful...and very happy.

it doesn't matter if it is something she isn't interested in... if there is a concert or party or event where other men are taking a date...you must invite her.  hey... if you dont want her to go... the only reason can be that you wanna pick up a new girl.... well at least thats what she will be thinking...(dont say i didn't warn you.

when a woman says..."get whatever you think i like" or "you know what i like"...um... you better know....because even tho she prefaces it by saying... it doesn't matter...it does.  it is a test.  if there are two desserts and you can't decide... bring her both.  if its a colored article of clothing...either match her eyes... her coat... or... pick out a shirt or something she wears alot and match it... or get the other color cuz "you remember she already has a shirt that color".  if its a drink choice... get a flavor you think she has gotten when you were around... and then get a drink that just sounds good... and then say...i got both these... you can have whichever you like...when she picks... then say...cool i wanted this one...

"she's pretty"..."whoa she's hot"..."the pretty one"

uh........you may sorta agree on the outside.  you may make a kinda non-chalant eh...yeah...she's ok... you may not under any circumstances add to her statement.  do not.  do NOT.  its pretty much common sense... but you have prolly seen your girl in her ugly "time of the month" underpants... her full pj mode... her...bad morning breath... her sweaty frumpy frazzled times.....she may even be having a combo of any of these when she says this statement... still...if you add details or explain how she is hot... it will just end up in bad things.  unless you are explaining how you like one of YOUR girls body parts better than the hot girls...just dont make it sound insincere or fake....cuz thats just as bad....lets be honest... i'm sure the girl she was talking about was hot...and prolly hotter than your girl.  but... lets be honest...your girl lets you be her bf/husband....she lets you lay on top of her... she is better than that hot girl... i bet that hot girl is whiny and would spend all your money on slutty clothes...that she would use to pick up a hotter richer man.

ok... so honestly we all talk about sex with our close friends... well by "we" i mean anyone who is reading this....if you talk about your significant other doing sexy time things... make sure he/she looks like an awesome pornstar...a girl/guy that anyone would want to get with....never say anything that is bad... because those guys or girls you are talking to... will tell their significant others...no matter what...so... come'on... be cool... make your partner look good....thats just common courtesy.

another tip.  if your lady makes a meal for you.  eat it.  at least take a few bites.  no matter what you have prolly eaten something worse....and it will make her happy.  even if your girl makes meals all the time.  she still made it for you.  be kind, eat it...at least try it... its not poisoned... unless it is poisoned...then...um... poison control is: 1800-222-1222

ok... thats enough tips into the tricky minds of women...maybe i'll write another one of these...i promise that if i write too many placenta laced posts... i will write up another dude-post.

done.

boobs.

its a _____ (insert sex)<----sounds dirty.

so... you're having a baby.  you are gonna give birth to a lil alien looking thing covered in goo.... doctors are gonna poke you...fist you... and maybe cut your taint... you will have to wear maxi-pads for a month and your tits will leak.

but... first... halfway thru... you have an ultrasound.  now is your chance to find out if you are saving up for gaming systems or for a wedding.....so... you put on your facebook one of the following sentences:

"ultrasound today! can't wait to see the little one!"

"gonna see the baby today!"

"so excited for my ultrasound!"

"three hours till the ultrasound!"

and then........... it starts................ the comments:

"oh are you finding out what you're having?"

"yay! i'm so excited! are you gonna find out if its a boy or girl?"

blah blah... blah blah blah.

this is where i start to grit my teeth.

it is completely up to you...mom....if you want to know if your baby is a boy or girl (you thought i was gonna say something sassy instead of boy or girl...i was but...eh)

no dads... it isn't up to you... you mite kinda be leaning one way or another... but... ultimately... what your lady wants...she gets.

ok... that part isn't what i'm annoyed with.. its this following comment:

"its gonna be a surprise" (not that part...this part------>) "there are so few surprises in an adults life"

i hate hate hate hate hate hate... hate when people say that.

firstly because it sounds so superior and hoity toity (yeah... i broke out hoity toity...enjoy it)

but mostly cuz it is false.

if you want to be surprised.  then be surprised....there are plenty of other surprises tho... so... do not think that if you miss out on this surprise you are cheating yourself in any way.

when the kid is born it will be a surprise what it looks like...even if you have a 3D ultrasound... cuz... ultrasounds make it look like your baby is made outta cottage cheese.

...your baby's personality...

...your baby's voice

...your baby's hair and eye color

all of these are a surprise....also... surprise hemarroids!

here are some non-baby related surprises:

surprise visits

surprise someone likes you

surprise car crash!

surprise  your wifes been cheating on you!

surprise that creepy kid that sits in front of you in class washed his hair!

gifts...seeing someone you haven't seen in a while...new tv show...new job...a raise...surprise that brownie has nuts in it...

sneezes are a surprise...and once and a while...surprise! that sneeze made u pee a little!

so.. yeah... i have established that surprises happen every day.  if you dont figure it out you are getting a lot of slightly feminine boy stuff or slightly masculine girl stuff....good luck with that.

done.

i used the words taint and "hoity toity" in the same blog....SUCCESS!

its horrible.

whats horrible?

i'll tell ya....when singers become "actors" and they sing in their movies...

i hate it.

shame on you... mandy moore... lindsey lohan...hm... who else...beyonce...whitney houston...other dumdums.

it just makes me embarrassed for them.  which i hate!  i am embarrassed enough by stuff i do... i do not need to be embarrassed for millionaires that are being ridiculous.

the thing is really they mite not be horrible actresses...or horrible singers....well lindsey is... but thats besides the point...they mite be ok... but when they sing in movies it makes me hate them.

...specially cuz it seems like they like arrange the script so that they can sing in the movie... like its not even necessary.

ew.  i mean... ew ew ew.

so yeah... i know you agree with me... i do not need to add more... cuz i am sure you want to just contemplate how right i am.

done.

candy candy candy.

i'm better than you...nah nah na boo boo...stick your head in doo doo.

*title stolen from segment on tosh.o (he makes me giggle)

um... so there is nothing good on tv at this moment... so... instead of the smart decision of going to bed...i am waiting till there is something good on....so i can fall asleep during it and be pissed that i missed the ending.

yes i realise that doesn't make any sense.  shut up dum dum.

have i mentioned how grumpy i am?  well i am.  which is another glaringly huge reason for me to go to bed.  which i am not doing...kinda considering drinking some soda pop.

i have no subject for this post.  i am just randomly mentioning things like a skitzo.  no thats not how you spell that.  i dont care.  if there are any skitzo's offended...you and the rest of your personalities can bite me...unless one of you have aids... cuz i dont want aids.

i think that people with bad teeth should not wear bright lipstick.  cuz then i just can't stop looking at your mouth... and eventually am gonna look at your snaggles.  also tho people with bad teeth shouldn't wear super light lipstick cuz then your teeth look like captain crunch.

i love the smell of fabric softener.  i am not all the way sure what it does...mostly i just like laundry to have a good smell so that you can tell if its clean.  if it smells like nothing... it is worrisome to me.

it bothers me when people describe themselves as creative and unique.  i realize there are not really other words to use instead of those... but... whenever someone says they are creative... it makes me wince.  i gotta say it makes me a bajillion times more critical of anything that comes from you....and also you sound kinda like a bag of douche.

ever realize that some people that you admire/are amazed by... you either just like them more cuz they are awesome... or just hate them because they are arrogant bastards....i'm not saying that talented people are arrogant bastards... but when you are jealous talented people become arrogant bastards.

i dont think i have ever known a midget...i think they call themselves little people... but... i have known small people... just never a midget.  i know they are people... and its not like i think they are lesser than normal size people... i mean... they are lesser in amount of human... but... not like... brains and feelings.  i just dont know any.  so... dont get all explainy to me... i dont care what you have to say on this matter...i do not have any midgets in my facebook friends list....and its just interesting to me.

i often think..."oh i could do that" but to be honest... i prolly wont cuz i dont have enough drive/energy or money to do more than i do.  i wish i had like five more hrs... but... hey everyone says that... and plenty of people still do tons of awesome things.... i hope when i'm in my thirties i will be awesomer.  that is my goal.(do not respond by saying..."you are already awesomer" cuz that will just bug me... and i'm grumpy)

done.

abrupt ending.